The 9 Most Jaw-dropping Moments in the ‘Being Mary Jane’ Finale

It’s taken me this much time to process the season finale of ‘Being Mary Jane’. I was all riled up watching. Like I was yelling at the screen. Then after, I was mumbling and shaking my head like I was Halle Berry in Queen. You know, the one where she ends up in the asylum?

CBW, my husband, woke up and saw me sitting on the floor in front of the couch. I dived off dramatically after—you know, the thing that happens at the very end. He goes, “Um, what happened?” And I tried to explain in detail before giving up and saying, “It was many things. So many things. All at once.”

In the light of day and in no particular order of importance, I will now attempt to discuss nine of those “many things” in a coherent way. Oh, and *SPOLIER ALERT*

1. Sheldon’s an ass, but so is MJ.

Sheldon goes overboard to impress MJ and be romantic— saffron, wine, candlelight under the stars, slow jams, French films and MJ just sons the f*ck out of him, just because? Like I was staring at the TV like, “WTF is wrong with this chick?” She’s been complaining about men for two seasons and finally a man pulls out all the stops and it’s still a problem? Sheldon wasn’t perfect, no. The night wasn’t perfect, no. But it wasn’t all bad and he was trying. He played the music loud. He had French films. But he didn’t call her by another woman’s name or curse her mom.

And when she saw him getting defensive and agitated, she STILL DIDN”T STOP. Ugh.

2. Sheldon’s an ass (it’s worth saying twice). 

How you gonna make your girlfriend get a new toothbrush every night? You don’t want it sitting out? Fine. Put a lil’ cap on it and put it in the drawer. But why Sheldon got so many spare toothbrushes? Like how many folks you got staying over in your room, bruh? That bin of toothbrushes in the master bathroom was a red flag.

But that’s not Sheldon’s worst offense by far. He’s entitled to see the world however he wants and have whatever lifestyle he enjoys. However, he knows that shit is off beat and irregular. That I never want to marry, nor have children, or live together, but we can have two condos on the same floor or a compound… is much and next. You’re supposed to tell someone about your revolutionary way of seeing the world before you declare you’re in a relationship to give them a choice. It’s a simple, “Hey, I know there’s the traditional way, and here’s my way. What do you think about that?”

And yes, MJ should have asked him for clarity. “You’re down with babies and marriage and all that, right? Just checking.”  These are two grown people with horrible communication skills. But the bigger onus was on Sheldon to speak up, and I hollered when it all came out and MJ told him, “Ain’t nobody got time for no fundamental shifts.”

But still, still, that’s not what makes Sheldon a gigantic ass. It’s when after he mislead MJ, and after he told her about his personal utopia that he knew she wasn’t down for, he added, “Given your history with men, that’s probably the best offer you’ve got.”

There are levels to assy. That is the highest one. And for the record, he’s wrong: being alone is a better option than settling.

3. Home Invasion.

So, I get it. There’s a bump in the night and no one there to go investigate or the alarm goes off and you realize how alone you are is terrifying. I get why MJ called Sheldon. I get why he let her come back over after she had been an ass. I don’t get why she just defacto moved herself in, especially when the man is making it obvious he didn’t want her there. I mean, the man is throwing your toothbrush out every night.

And then, like, he didn’t give the code to the gate, because he didn’t want her to have the code to the gate and/or he wanted her to do like Big Boi said and call before she came and not “just pop up over out the blue”. But not only did she violate by barging up in his house like she pays bills there, she kicks off her shoes in the middle of floor, flings her bags all up on her counter, goes in the fridge like she bought groceries, then calls his place “home” while she’s on the phone with her girl.

Ma’am. If you don’t take your messy, no-home-training-having self home.

4. Wetting the Bed. 

See me? I wouldn’t spend the night out as a bed wetter. And I wouldn’t let anybody stay over either. The Cutty Buddy, hit-and-run situation? That works for these circumstances.

And I would think that if you were the type to stay out and risk urinating in some other person’s bed, you must be very comfortable with them. And because you are very comfortable, you might say to the person you’re spending the night with, “Hey, I pee the bed. I’m stressed. I just wanted to let you know why I have on these here Depends, so nothing to worry about.”

Note: Depends. I would think that if you have nighttime problems with your bladder, you would wear Depends or some sort or protective garment if you are sleeping and especially if you decided (against better judgment) you will be sleeping elsewhere. This is responsible and sensible. Invading a man’s house and peeing in his bed—even on accident—especially when you’ve never had a conversation about it, is just crazy.

8. Lisa Ain’t Shit.

I ain’t never liked Lisa. She’s jealous and whiny and as we found out on Tuesday night, scandalous. Let me get this straight: the childhood best friend who is close enough to be invited to family dinners even when MJ beefing with her did the following:

a. Had sex—she’s right, oral counts—with MJ’s man, multiple times, and also told MJ about it, just not who it was with.

b. Loaned MJ’s ex $50k

c. Took MJ’s ex in after MJ kicked him out.

d. Took care of MJ’s ex while he was sick.

e. Looked after MJ’s ex’s dog while he traveled.

f. Is currently in MJ’s ex’s kitchen, pushing up on the low, low (ya’ll see that hair and her booty in that dress?)

g. Is in love with MJ’s ex who MJ is also in love with.

I know David and Lisa knew each other before he met MJ. But there are rules, and apparently Lisa looked at the list of them and said, “eff it!” This might be the grimest, shadiest chick in the history of TV. She didn’t just screw up, she did it over and over and over and over. So much for friendship.

Read the complete list a Jawkbreaker.NYC