Ask Demetria: Is Getting Revenge on An Ex Worth It?

You’re still hurt. I get it. But you have to let it go. He is living rent-free in your head. You’re spending months thinking about a man who is thinking about the woman he is with—not you. You think you have some sort of upper hand because you have information about him that you think could ruin his reputation. What you don’t realize is that you’ve already given him the upper hand by spending months of your life still dwelling on him.

He hurt you. I get it. Forgive him anyway. Not because he deserves it but because if you don’t let your anger go, you’re going to remain stuck in it even longer. And while he’s enjoying life with the next woman, you will not meet anyone of worth or substance to treat you the way you deserve because you’re holding on to so much animosity about your past. Frankly, your bitterness is going to block your blessings.

Several celebrity ex-wives have been in the news for spilling secrets and talking greasy about their ex-husbands and, allegedly, their affairs. There was infamous basketball player Dwyane Wade’s ex, who, among many things, publicly accused him of giving her an STD and then alleged that Wade, a multimillionaire, had left her homeless.

Meanwhile, Swizz Beatz’s ex was writing open letters to his alleged mistress on Instagram in 2009. And earlier this week, Kevin Hart’s ex Torrei Hart blasted him for allegedly cheating on her—with dates and all. To her credit, maybe she’s mad, or maybe this is all just a cheap promo for her new reality show.

You’re not a celebrity, so you’re not going to get press—or money—by spilling your ex’s tea. Here’s what will happen, though. Your friends and his friends will listen to your stories, and they will laugh and they will call others and retell your tales. It may get back to your ex, and he’ll be mad. He might even call and flip on you. Maybe his new lady will hear about it, too, and she’ll look at him sideways. You and your stories will be the center of attention for a little bit.

But after the initial shock, no one will think, “Ooh, what sweet revenge!” When they’ve sobered up from their gossiping high, they’ll wonder why, if what you say is true, you stayed with him. Then they’ll wonder why, all this time later, you’re running your mouth about the past. They’ll ask each other why you are still so hung up on a guy who, by your own account, didn’t even treat you right. (That’s also a question you should ask yourself.)