ASK BELLE

Helllllll no! She's out of pocket. Your friends don't need to call/contact your man unless there's an emergency or a surprise party. And if for some reason, they need to, you should be CC'd on the email, added to the text. Calling you man to study? For what? You and her man ain't besties. And taking off her bra when your man is there? GTFOH. Tell him, you're not comfortable with whatever they got going on and ASK him not to deal with her. Tell her, she was out of pocket, it wasn't appreciated and if she tries that ish again, the friendship is a wrap. That's not being insecure, it's setting boundaries and not allowing your friends to disrespect you and your relationship. She wasn't on the line; she was way over it.
52 minutes ago

He either said that to make things easier in the moment, or he's not ready to be friends. It's hard to be friends right after a break up. Just because the relationship is over, doesn't mean the feelings automatically die. Truthfully, you need a break between relationship and friendship.
57 minutes ago

You're not dating this man yet, not in a relationship with him, and you're already planning presents? Ma'am! This is too much. See if you actually enjoy going on a date with him in late March/early April. He may not even be around by June.
58 minutes ago

not at all. he's nuts for thinking that would fly. but the funny thing, it probably has with someone else and that's why he thinks he can get away with it.
1 hour ago

no. you're obviously not into him at all. you're bored. he deserves someone who is excited about him. you deserve someone you are excited about. "nice guy" doesn't mean "your guy"
1 hour ago

woo hoo!
1 hour ago

He's either a complete a--hole or what you said/did was so left field that he's rethinking the relationship.
1 hour ago

Would you want someone you were dating to support your dream, even if it was a burden and even if they weren't 100 percent on board? Maybe inset of not supporting, the solution is to find a middle ground that still allows for the other partner to follow their passion and puts less burden on the finances. Trying to shut down someone else's dream will only make them resent you.
1 hour ago

Unless he suddenly doesn't want to have sex or you decide you do want to, you two are not compatible. You two want different things. There's no middle ground here. A few dates and he's already hounding you for sex? He wants it now, and isn't trying to wait for a commitment, and then time after that.
1 hour ago

He's interested... for now. If your'e trying to gauge true interest, you have to look at consistency over time.
1 hour ago

Stop talking to him. You're in the hospital and need to get better. His lies are just frustrating you and making you angry. You're going to have to lean on a girlfriend or family to get thru this one. As for him, he's a wrap. Say goodbye.
2 days ago

This is something HE has to work on. You can't do it for him or make him. Be supportive and non judgmental and MAYBE he'll open up. But a communication issue like this is something he has to work on for himself.
2 days ago

You don't have to grin and bear and keep everything to yourself, but know that your opinion is not always wanted and you should choose your battles. If they ask your opinion, you can give it. But if your approach is turning off people that you care about, then consider remaining silent or softening your approach. Everything you think doesn't need to be said. Re: the grumbling-- you don't have to love everything about your friends, but if you're calling them friend, then you should love them. Sometimes people get annoyed and they vent, then they get over it.
2 days ago

You and hubs have a fundamental communication and boundary issue. You need to sit together and come up with house rules. It's absolutely not ok to invite guests to stay overnight in the space you share together and not inform you BEFORE the invite, even family. It's also not okay to scapegoat you to his family, which will make them dislike you. It's unrealistic to think that no one will ever spend the night. Come up with a time limit for guests to stay over-- a week is a LONG time to have guests-- and a advance notice time frame.
3 days ago

I'm unclear why you need to address it. She hollered at a guy you were talking to, you fell out with her over it. You expected her to stop AFTER ya'll stopped being friends? Why? Also, she can't holler at him, if he doesn't pick up. This is on him too. If anything, bow out, stop dating dude, and move on, especially if you are so upset you think it might come to blows. this is OBVIOUSLY an unhealthy situation or you to continue to involve yourself in.
3 days ago

She's just not that into you. She's free to do what she wants. She doesn't have to tell you about her move, and she doesn't have to tell you about professional events just because you choose to tell her. It is weird that she lied about moving. That said, she seems like she's keeping you at an arm's length, and you sound a wee bit clingy, or at least not picking up on social cues.
3 days ago

Throw deuces and be done. He knows he has an STI, hence why he was like "no, don't get a check up." Who does that. Confronting him implies that you want some sort of explanation. Consider the person that you're asking it of.
3 days ago

Shoot him an email thanking him again for his help, mention you'd like to see him again sometime "if that's okay." If he's interested, he'll ask you out.
3 days ago

Mention it to HR. If he tries to do anything down the line, you've got it on record what happened.
3 days ago

"I don't want to do this anymore." or "It's best if go our separate ways."
3 days ago

are you trying to marry him tomorrow? If not, I'm not sure I understand the issue. Maybe he's dated some immediately marriage minded women since his divorce and he's just trying to be clear. Assure him you're just looking to get to know him at the present time and marrying him isn't on your horizon for the near future. It's not like he said he never wants to marry.
3 days ago

This would irk me too. I get it. She's one of those girly-girl types that likes to do group activities (and probably, like, sleepovers). It won't kill you to go with the flow, look uniform for the pictures and fit in with the crowd.
3 days ago

tell them that it hurts your feelings, and also, don't feel like you have to just take it when people are rude to you. If they are comfortable pointing out your perceived shortcomings, you should feel comfortable doing the same. No, this usually doesn't make a situation better, but it will make you feel better standing up for yourself. Now with granny? She gets a bit more respect. Ask her, "does my education bother you?" Your family sounds insecure that you've gone on to accomplish things they or their kids haven't. But there also may be some educated-elitism coming from you. I can't call it from here. But have a discussion and try to get to some comfortable middle ground. And if you can't, well then, maybe the fa is best loved from a distance.
4 days ago

No, you won't have to leave your city, but you will have get out of the house more. Every guy, even a hood one, doesn't like a woman with blue weave and gold teeth. You also don't have to be a size 4 or 8 or 12 to find a mate. Men like all types of women. Your goal is to find one that likes you. Now about the weight. If you're fluffy and feel fabulous? Great. But you're not. So address the issue. Get up and get moving, whether the weight goes down or not, you will feel better knowing that you're being pro-active about your "issues".
4 days ago

First, block him completely from contacting you via phone, email and social media. He's abusive-- the most recent contact was just more of the same-- and you don't have a reason to stay in touch. Also, do understand that the new woman is dealing with, or will deal with, the EXACT same things you did. It's not like he met someone new right after you and suddenly became an entirely different and better person with her. For getting over break up tips, check out the chapter on it in "Don't Waste Your Pretty."
4 days ago

If there are contracts in place, you can probably sue her to get her to work. But so much for the magic you create. Apologize profusely and try to get her back on board. Explain you were frustrated and venting, you didn't mean it and you're very sorry. Can your brother or husband get involved here to help? In the meantime, you do the work that she was supposed to do so you don't mess up with your clients and or lose money on your investments.
4 days ago

Bounce. He has a GF. Sending videos to his fiance? For what?
4 days ago

Maybe, maybe not. Why don't you just ask him?
4 days ago

You can't convince him he doesn't have anything to worry about with words. This is one of those things that has to be demonstrated, not said. You're off to great start writing him a letter. Be consistent in your correspondence and keep communicating your willingness to make things work and talk about strategies for making it work with him. Also, keep in mind that he has a whole lot on his mind other than his relationship. He's deployed for 400 days. He's got a lot on his plate. Continue to be encouraging and supportive. When he sees your consistency and your ACTIONS, he will be less worried.
4 days ago

I get where you're going in theory. But you're overlooking he core issue, which is your mate isn't opening up to you and you can't the full story because of that. Reaching out to the third party, may give you the information you want, but it doesn't address the real issue here.
4 days ago

If they don't know each other, it's fine. But do understand because of how the world works, they will eventually meet, and while you are dating them. That's there issue to hash out, not yours.
4 days ago

You're super welcome. I complimented CBW on his plaid shirt. He has a closet full of them now. There are no solid color or striped shirts in the closet. Ha!
4 days ago

I get why you would feel slighted. And you need to let him know how you feel. He's had several vacays with friends, none with you. Is he dating you or them? Also, he's not obligated to spend his bday with you, but it is one of those things that people in relationships kinda do just because. It's fine when no one has an issue with it, but you do, and you feel like a back-up plan. Not cool. If you want to spend his bday with him, ask to go on the trip, or ask him to leave the day after his bday so you can spend it with him. This is not too much for a GF to ask. Also, if he can find time to travel with his friends. He can find time to travel with you.
5 days ago

Cool. For years, that was my outlook. Never had the urge until CBW. You don't want to get married, then don't take on the headaches of marriage or the rewards. Be an eternal GF with your boundaries in place.
5 days ago

That's so sweet. Thank you!!!
5 days ago

This is like asking how do I know I need to go to the doctor? if you have an issue that you've been trying to fix and it won't go away, it's time to call in the professionals, or suffer. I'm also one of those people that thinks everyone needs therapy. Even if it's just going annually for a check up to make sure everything is as it should be-- just like the way you do with your primary care physician or your ob/gyn.
5 days ago

It's not just you, especially not online. Every guy isn't going to be interested and/or make any effort. Some are just there to catch what's thrown at them. You're looking for the ones who will. How do you find that? Keep looking and only entertain the men who show consistent effort. They are out there. And you'll never find them if you don't keep putting yourself out there. I know it's frustrating, but it's the only way to guarantee you meet someone online. No effort, no reward.
5 days ago

I can't tell. It's just words. They're easy to say. Could be promising, especially if combined with action.
5 days ago

eh.... i guess. as long as it's at least equal, it's cool. when you're doing all the work, it becomes an issue. (and an hour isn't "long distance", really.)
6 days ago

Confront? No. Have a conversation and ask her to stop and try to address whatever issue she is having so she can stop-- maybe-- telling your business? Yes.
1 week ago

Yes. He needs to check his sister so it doesn't happen again.
1 week ago

There's a list in "Don't Waste Your Pretty". :-) It's available on Amazon, iTunes, Nook, Kindle, and BN.com
1 week ago

I don't know. You tell me why you still care. The man has made it abundantly clear he's not interested-- during the relationship and since it. It doesn't matter if he had someone else at this point. You didn't feel appreciated/tended to, and you left. It's over now.
1 week ago

You're stressing over something that hasn't even happened yet-- and may not happen. You've said that the guy is your friend twice, and he's also the friend of your man. There's nothing going on between your man and your friend's fiance. So while you're not obligated to go to the wedding, if you're invited, go. Your man is, and your friend is getting married. So what is his will-be wife WAS the town "bicycle." People grow up and change. And even if she didn't, you don't have to approve of her past, just her man. You also don't need to know both people in order to attend a wedding.
1 week ago

Care isn't all or nothing. There are degrees of it. He likes you, just not enough to commit to you. He's told you where he stands, LISTEN. He doesn't want a relationship. You do, and you're emotionally attached to him, and starting to feel bad because he doesn't want you. This is unhealthy for you. Thank him for his time, move on to lick your wounds and find someone who wants to be with you.
1 week ago

30 year old men do this too. That's not just the domain of early 20 somethings. A man, even an early 20 something, will pick up the phone and ask to spend time OUT if that's the only way to communicate with/ see you. Keep dating men around your own age, and when they text too much, tell them you prefer a call. If they ask to chill, tell them you want to go out. You're not asking for anything revolutionary. Don't change your standards. Find someone who has them or is willing to rise to meet them.
1 week ago

This is pretty standard in dating. Everyone is a representative for the first 90 days. This is why I encourage folks to take their time getting to know people and not jumping into anything too quick. You won't know what else he was saying just to get at you until he does it. Keep your standards and your eyes open.
1 week ago

Not too strong; he just isn't interested.
1 week ago

No, you do not have to allow disrespect into your space. 12 years is long enough. Dealing with disrespectful MILs is tricky. Your husband needs to address his mother and put a stop to her disrespect or let her know that she can't come around the family until she behaves better. If he's not willing to support you on that, then you can remove yourself from events where she is present. It's not a solution to the actual problem, but it is one that keeps you from being disrespected. You can only control you.
1 week ago

Apologize for the things that you said about her, but also let her know that she had no right to go through your phone. Tell her that you understand the relationship is strained, but you want to proceed with the events as planned. She may be one of those people that can't separate business from personal, and if so, there's not much you can do about that. You may have to proceed with the events on your own and continue the business as your own. Question: are there no contracts in play here?
1 week ago

No. That's his responsibility (and his parents). But you can possibly help the situation -- if he's open-- by letting him know that you are a safe space and he can tell you anything. That also means when he opens up, you listen and are non-judgmental. He's got to push himself out of his comfort zone and let you in. You can't build a healthy relationship with someone that won't communicate the important stuff.
1 week ago

Let the side man go, for now (and as long as you're in a relationship). You need to decide whether you want to stay in your relationship, and if so, fix the issues in it. Regaining trust is hard once it's broken, but with a lot of work it can be done. (How is outlined in detail in "Don't Waste Your Pretty".) Also, you need to communicate with your partner on how to address issues so that they can get resolved. Point out the problem to him, and be honest with him that it's a determining factor in whether you can continue to be with him. If you can't work things out in the relationship in a way that is fulfilling to you, it's time to go. BUT do not go running to the other man. You need some space after 7 years and to figure out the role you played in the demise of the relationship. Running from one man to the next, is just taking baggage from one situation to another. You need to unload first.
1 week ago

It sounds like he's in a relationship or he's hiding something.
1 week ago

Move on. I know its hard. but he cheated on you, got someone else pregnant. That's an auto dismissal. most wives wouldn't even put up with that. A boyfriend? Hell no. To stay you're signing up for more drama than you could ever imagine. You going to the baby shower? Waiting with him in the delivery room? Babysitting?
1 week ago

He says: "i miss you". You say, "awww, that's sweet."
1 week ago

If you want to be married, you can be. Now to your "soul mate"/ the "right" person? Maybe, maybe not.
1 week ago

there's no loyalty to a FWB. he's not your BF. he's a guy you have sex with. but you can't keep both guys. it's FWB or the new guy. your choice. also, you know FWB is going to tell his old friend about his sexual relationship with you, right? tell the new guy before he does.
1 week ago

Me too. It sucks sometimes. But I find that the majority don't get me, but the people who do, REALLY do. Quality over quantity.
1 week ago

Yes, they judge them more harshly. People can't read you because you're not talking. They assume you're judging or being stuck up. That's really about their insecurity. If you're fine with how you are, no need to change.
1 week ago

You're cool, but this isn't going anywhere.
1 week ago

His main objective is sex. That's not yours. I'm not mad at him for putting it out there upfront. That's not what you're looking for, so cool. Move on.
1 week ago

You're thinking about a future with him; is he thinking about one with you? Have a conversation about what you want from the relationship in the future and your expectations (including financial) for that. See where his head is and what plans he has, to be with you and to be financially stable. That may not be on his mind. And if it isn't, you need to decide if you're sticking around.
1 week ago

Have a conversation about what you want from him. Because you may be wasting time pining for a man who has moved on and is just keeping you around as an emotional crutch.
1 week ago

You're not obligated to be friends. He doesn't want to commit. Okay. Thank him for his time and his honesty, and move on.
1 week ago

I'm with Patti. Commit. Dating with serious talking, is just talking.
1 week ago

So tell her it's not okay to speak to you that way, and ask her if there's a problem she wants to discuss. If she keeps it up, stop speaking to her.
1 week ago

Run and get tested. It's 2015. You can't trifle with folks who are out here playing Russian roulette with their genitals.
1 week ago

Right now? You don't as you "just" learned what happened. It's okay to be hurt and mourn a bad situation. Mourning is part of the process of getting thru.
1 week ago

No. The 90 day rule is an arbitrary number of days. I'm encouraging women to assess what they want from a situation-- everyone doesn't want a relationship-- and respond accordingly.I also think 90 days is too soon if you're trying to build a relationship. It's hard to set a number on when you feel you actually know someone, but it is longer than 90 days.
1 week ago

um. that's her man. he got two girlfriends, and she's his favorite. he's so totally into her that he thinks nothing of completely disrespecting you in your own house. this ain't about the food. babes, why are you putting up with this?
1 week ago

Then you find new people who will treat you with the respect that you want. Here's the thing, when you have no standards, you have a ton of friends and most of them treat you however they feel like, and it's usually bad. It sounds like you had a lot of those. So you set some very basic standards, and not you don't have the same quantity. You don't need quantity, unless you're trying to fill a bridesmaid quota. You do need quality. The woman who stood you up? Let he go. If she had any basic respect for you, she would have called to say she couldn't make it, or if there was an emergency, she would have called after to apologize and explain. She isn't thinking about you or the friendship. Otherwise, she would have called.
1 week ago

You have to do some soul searching and ID what it is about him that you can't get elsewhere, AND why you feel you can't match what he offered or do better. That's usually A LOT of what the inability to let go is about.
1 week ago

2-3 weeks is a couple to a few dates. That's time enough to determine if there's any interest. Keep looking for what you want. That said, feel free to continue dating the guys if you're having fun. Everyone you date isn't meant to be your man.
1 week ago

you're asking a lot of a roommate, and many would say you have the ideal situation. if she pays the rent on time, let her be and find some other friends to hang out with.
1 week ago

Whatever works best for you.
1 week ago

basically. as a rule of thumb, people that don't take of their kids, their blood who they are responsible for? They won't do any better by you.
1 week ago

Readiness to enter a new relationship after a divorce varies from person to person, but, in general, I wouldn't think that after a 8.5 year relationship ended, that he would ready to begin a HEALTHY new one 5 months later. BUT... you should have a conversation with him so you know where he stands.
1 week ago

Reach out and say it anyway.
1 week ago

Easy. Exactly how he did it. But now you have your answer about where the relationship is going, and for clarity, no where. Call him and let him know that it's a wrap. If he doesn't answer/call you back, text him.
1 week ago

There's at least a fundamental communication issue at play here that you're not sure of your husband's schedule and he would rather you play guessing games than take the time to inform you. Is he resentful about something that's happened in the past?
1 week ago

But, but.. it's not your home. It's your dad's and he can have who he wants in the house. You can speak to your dad about how she treats you. But otherwise, let this be the motivation to get your financial affairs in order and go.
1 week ago

yes.
1 week ago

Cool. You can't force him. But I wouldn't have sex with him until he takes it. Some issues are worth pressing. And whenever he takes it, you need to see the results, not go by word or mouth.
1 week ago

The "90 day rule" is Steve Harvey, not me. I've never promoted that. I have said that it's your body and you can do what you want with it and another consenting adult. However, if your goal is to be in a relationship, get to know someone (takes longer than 90) and build AT LEAST an emotional bond with someone before you have sex, preferably an actual commitment. If you're just looking for a good time, get tested, use a condom and have fun.
1 week ago

tell him what you like about what he does and encourage him to do more of that. Positively encourage him: "I love it when you..." There's also a section in "Don't Waste Your Pretty" about how to get better sex with your partner.
1 week ago

It's not a feeling that is going away. the truth is, single or in a relationship, you are missing out on certain experiences. You have to decide whether you're okay with that, or not, and make peace with your decision.
1 week ago

Sometimes the first time is really bad. It's two people who may be nervous and don't know each other's likes/dislikes. You're not obligated to give it another shot, of course, but if you really like him, give a try. If you're just mediocre on him, don't. And if it's wack the second time, you have to decide if it's something you can deal with. I can't decide that for you. I do, however, think Life is too short to have bad sex when sex is important to you.
1 week ago

You waited this long, Wait for the answer. If it sounds like BS, know that it is.
1 week ago

Too soon. `Suggest he get his own room.
1 week ago

Ya'll don't need to be together. He doesn't respect you (your words) and was more likely cheating on you (chick in the bed?!). And you're hitting him (even once is too much). Ya'll are clearly bad for each other. And why are you still talking/fighting every weekend if you're not together. Stop talking to him and let it go.
1 week ago

this is going nowhere. yes, he has responsibilities, but he bottomline is he's not willing to do anything to make time to see you. thank him for his time and move on.
1 week ago

Ya'll have issues that are deeper than his whereabouts. But to answer your question: yes, he should tell you.
1 week ago

The making fun of you? no. The big clitoris? That's a conversation you need to have with your OB/gyn
1 week ago

dad's doing the most, for sure. but you don't get to tell someone else how to live in THEIR house. If you're not happy with how he conducts his affairs around you, MOVE OUT. You are grown and since you are unhappy, you need your own space.
1 week ago

you're being too sensitive and doing too much. they'll get back to you when they do. if you have something that needs an immediate response, call or text instead.
1 week ago

admittedly, this strikes me as weird. if he's been otherwise normal, tell him that all the texting weirded you out and ask him to give you space when you have to study. if he's been weird before and is getting weirder, thank him for his time and tell him this isn't working for you anymore.
1 week ago

That's all part of the process. Feel free to delete/ignore them. That said, FaceTime isn't an unreasonable a request. Online is where you meet, not where you date. Asking to FaceTime is to talk and see what you look like. Yes, there are the pictures you post. But folks are notorious for posting old pics or pics of other people online (i.e., Catfish).
1 week ago

no. unless you're going to be alone with them, then I could see why the mother would have an issue. But if it's you and him? No, you don't need to meet her first.
1 week ago

Wear whatever you feel pretty and confident in. I prefer heels and a dress, but whatever makes you feel like a million is what you should wear.
1 week ago

He sounds like a weirdo.
1 week ago

huh? is there more to the story? you started shading him because he wouldn't have lunch with you? did something else happen?
1 week ago

:-)
1 week ago

ask him how he would prefer that you bring up your concerns in a way that doesn't offend him or make him feel attacked. emphasize that you care about his feelings, don't want him to feel bad, but you do need to be able to express yourself. but the ball in his court.
1 week ago

some are. it's less about laziness, and just wanting to get the to sex part. say "no", tell them you don't go the houses of men you don't know well, and you prefer to go out. a man who is actually interested will have no problem taking you OUT. if all they want to do is couch date, tell them you're not interested.
1 week ago

people tend to get super upset about it when folks don't participate with no explanation, or they're just unreasonable. Explain to your girl what's going on with you financially. She may offer to pay your way because she wants you to participate.
1 week ago

It's very unfortunate that he doesn't like your hair. It would be great if he did. But do understand just like you had an ideal of beauty that was straight hair, he's been bombarded with the same ideals of beauty. It's gonna take a minute for him to adjust, if ever he comes around. That said, he could have been kinder about it. Explain to him why you cut your hair, that you're trying something new and he hurt your feelings. Ask him to be open-minded as it grows out and you experiment with different styles.
1 week ago

nah.. you're missing a red flag. the "i can't trust" guys are DANGER!!!
1 week ago

I am soon happy this worked out.
1 week ago

It's not about timeframe as much as it's about whether it works or not. And this doesn't sound like it's working. He's come back, trying to get in good graces. He should be on his A-game, but it sounds like he's still not doing enough. If he can't even manage to do the most to get you back, even if its just long enough to get you back, this is a lost cause. Sounds like you should let this go.
1 week ago

This isn't going anywhere for you. He's still way into someone else and you're a placeholder while he manages his feelings. Tell him to give you a call if he ever gets over her.
1 week ago

"I really appreciate the time we've spent, but this just isn't working for me and I don't want to waste your time."
1 week ago

when you actually know him and feel like you can trust him. you don't know anyone for about 90 days.
1 week ago

given the context, it sounds like a joke. That said, I care less about you being offended than I do about you having unprotected sex in a non-committed relationship. why are you doing this?
2 weeks ago

There's no right answer here. One of you has to get in. If you want your job more than your fiancee to become your wife, that's something you should think really strongly about. OR maybe you have a really unconventional marriage. Married, but not living in the same city. People do it. But whatever you decide, ya'll need to talk. I'm more worried about the "I'm upset so i'm not speaking to you" than I am about the conflict. Conflicts happen. Bad communication assures that they are 100x messier than they need to be.
2 weeks ago

no. what for? he was single, and acted like a single man. you had no claims on him. Get tested together, and move on.
2 weeks ago

yes, you are getting in your own way. and if you don't work on this, he will bail, and so will very actual nice guy after him. it's great to acknowledge a problem. you have to DO something about it too, thought. actions are more important in the grand scheme, but you need to have words too. It's all supposed to match.
2 weeks ago

This goes on as long as you allow it. Tell him it's in or out; he can't have it both ways. So commit and you work on the issues, or leave. He can't just keep you in limbo and deal with you solely on his terms and when he feels like it.
2 weeks ago

Hey may or may not know. Everyone doesn't show symptoms. You used to have sex with him, apparently without condoms, give him the heads up. You can text.
2 weeks ago

he doesn't want to be with you, or really, like you very much, which is why he treats you like sh--. take the hint and leave him alone.
2 weeks ago

it's not open if he's sneaking.
2 weeks ago

No. This is a no go and too messy. Thank him for his time and move on.
2 weeks ago

move on.
2 weeks ago

You are clear to proceed with guy #2. And you don't need permission from #1, as you two weren't in a relationship. That said, is guy #2 interested?? You told him he was very attractive and he didn't ask how to stay in touch with you? I'm confused. If it turns out #2 is actually interested, the guys can sort that out between them.
2 weeks ago

It's her life to do what she wants with. She picks a guy you don't like? Oh, well. You don't have to date/live with him. You are WAY too much in her business/life. Where's your dude? Let that girl be. If she wants help leaving? Be there. If you don't want to talk about her situation, say that. But all this play by play of what you don't agree with? It's not your life. You should not be this concerned.
2 weeks ago

you're wasting your pretty. he's not interested.
2 weeks ago

Yeah, it's rude. But go by her actions: she didn't want to do your dinner anymore, she wanted to hang out with her BF. She did a drive by to show face and acknowledge your day.
3 weeks ago

"XYZ happened ABC time ago, but it's still on my mind. Can we talk about it?" Then tell the friend how you feel. Don't accuse, just state your feelings.
3 weeks ago

So here's the thing about things that happen all the time. You're the common denominator. I don't know what you're doing here though. I need more details. It is weird behavior, I think. The multiple texting, he could think you'll get later. The two different methods is what throws me off.
3 weeks ago

Huh? He didn't ask "how high?" when you said jump on a whim. That doesn't mean he's not into you. It means he already had plans (I don't know if he was going to sleep, but could be...) I can't call if he's married based on this. Have you asked him? If he's interested, he'll follow up within a week.
3 weeks ago

some people were naturally going to leave. they liked you being docile and they didn't want an equal relationship. The people that you care about and who have shown they care about you? Bring back the sweet until/unless they deserve otherwise.
3 weeks ago

you care about it affecting your professional life, so you're going to have to make some personality adjustments. i'm a natural introvert. when i need to turn on the charm, i do. literally, all you have to do is be chatty (ask questions if you don't like to talk) and smile more. some people just don't like you because they don't, and nothing you do will change that. you have to navigate around those minefields.
3 weeks ago

:-) glad i could help.
3 weeks ago

It's pretty common. Actually, really common. You get a new set of grown up friends.
3 weeks ago

no. and it gets worse the longer you date him. being fussy about texting is bad enough, but then refusing to do anything because you don't respond is completely Petty Murphy.
3 weeks ago

He was flirting, and it was awkward. You mentioned God, he was interested, and so he talked about tGod because that's what he thinks you are into. It sounds like he was nervous. You didn't do anything wrong. It's just an awkward convo.
3 weeks ago

the ultra sexual isn't the problem. The infidelity is. If he wants to have sex with many women because he cannot control himself, he has no business in a relationship. Let him go, boo.
3 weeks ago

It is weird. You can pull a no-go on dates with this couple. You can't just bail on ALL doubles.
3 weeks ago

There are books on this subject. But to be clear, ALL Black women don't get hung up on this. They will date whoever is fine and makes them happy. Others? Eh... some just aren't attracted to non-Black men, and some have bought into the idea that Black women are inferior women and only Black men will want Black women. For others, there's a fear of rejection/ridicule of Black woman's culture, and also keep in mind that Black women are often told by SOME Black men that they should not date "out". There's a lot more to it than "just" not doing it.
3 weeks ago

speak up to her about it.
3 weeks ago

1. you're single. you can do what you want. 2. if new guy is still around AND OFFICIAL (or it's heading that way) by summer, explain the situation and invite him on the trip. He may say no. But invite him anyway.
3 weeks ago

read "don't waste your pretty." also, smile, say hello, ask a question/ pay a compliment.
3 weeks ago

i've always been interested in relationships. I went to school to train to become a life coach.
3 weeks ago

choose the one who is single and actually available.
3 weeks ago

You should have said something, but you know this. Tell her that you're not in the middle of whatever is going on between them and you're not choosing. You want her friendship, but if she begins to shade you, you don't know how that will be possible.
3 weeks ago

There is no one (or ten) location that men of this type hang out. You have to date until you meet someone you like, who likes you and wants to commit. There are strategies to meet people, strategies to read people and make faster decisions (hence, my book, "Don't Waste Your Pretty"), but you have to date folks and go by their consistency over time to figure out who they really are and if they're a goof it. There's no short cut for it. Without out knowing what your standards are, I can't tell you if they're too high. Do you think you're being unrealistic? Or are you just frustrated and trying to speed up the process. I will tell you this: folks with no standards? Got options on options. But what you want is quality, not quantity.
3 weeks ago

you're 23. The expectations aren't all that high for you. Everything before 30 is forgiven, in time.
3 weeks ago

start by asking a travel writer. :-)
3 weeks ago

you can have this. no problem.
3 weeks ago

lets bottomline this. If you don't want to do him-- and you don't-- then cut him loose. the heart condition is sad, truly. but you're not required to suffer through that.
3 weeks ago

Yes. I wanted people to read and those were the only people I knew, so yeah, I sent them links, and asked them to read. It's possible to keep it separate, but it's kinda "a fart in a mitten" is you're writing and no one knows you are. Maybe you'll get seen. Maybe not.
3 weeks ago

realize that every guy isn't him and that if you want a BF, you're gonna have to put yourself out there again and meet people. you don't have to do it today, but you have to do it.
3 weeks ago

this so doesn't matter. love isn't supposed to be about ego.
3 weeks ago

Um... what?! Girl, this was a wrap before it started. Say goodbye. NOW!!!
3 weeks ago

um. you just referred to him as "broken". Run, boo.
3 weeks ago

I get why you're making it about you, because your feelings are validly hurt. But it's not about you. It's how HE FEELS about you. And he's entitled to change his mind. Don't place all your worth in his opinion. And be thankful that he said something instead of dogging you out for weeks or fell off the face of the earth and didn't waste more of your pretty. The "why" doesn't really matter. He doesn't want to be there. Full stop. That's all you really need to know. And yeah, good answer.
3 weeks ago

you already know the answer. that said, sex doesn't change your relationship status.
3 weeks ago

you want someone who is on board, despite the complications, not someone you have to talk into seeing your worth.
3 weeks ago

I don't care what color the man is (or even if it's a man) as long as the person treats you right. Also, ain't nothing wrong with a white man, but do know that interracial dating includes all the colors. There's a lot of variation between black and white.
3 weeks ago

find another job and be out.
3 weeks ago

Yeah, sounds like he was looking for an out and just didn't want to say it.
3 weeks ago

depends on my mood and where I'm going. In general, I enjoy him being there, but sometimes I just want to be alone.
3 weeks ago

case by case. but as a loose rule, don't commit before 3 (you need to know what you're getting yourself into) and bail if he hasn't committed by 6. Don't waster your pretty on a man who can't figure out what he wants, or don't want you.
3 weeks ago

you would be pressuring him. he's told you "no", respect it. don't you want someone to respect when you say "no"? Why does it feel that way, because you can't get your way. The man said he didn't want to commit. LISTEN. Thank him for his time and move on.
3 weeks ago

You're forgetting an important detail. Words and actions are supposed to match. When they don't, there's a problem. And no, you're not asking a lot to want a title, and words, and actions. A man who is into you will give you all 3 gladly, especially after 6 months.
3 weeks ago

Depends on what your "standards" are. Whatever you do, don't compromise your morals/values.
3 weeks ago

Why? She's easy access and requires nothing. If you want sex without a hassle, why not? That's why. If you're looking for a guy who has a consistent high moral compass when it comes to sex, they exist. But they're very few and far between. Re: sex wit him, if you're not in a committed relationship, expect that he is having sex with others. And if you're not comfortable having sex for any reason, don't have it. Period.
3 weeks ago

Misery loves company. Why is she behaving this way? Could be a number of reasons, but likely she faults him for whatever state her life is in. She may have deemed him the turning point of when everything fell apart. She may see whatever life he has with you and think it should have been her. She may think you stole her man. I dunno. She will eventually get over it/deal with it, but I can't tell you a timeline for that. About their communication, it takes two. She has to want to be receptive for communication to go anywhere. Would he and she consider going to a coach of therapy to hash this out?
3 weeks ago

He is who he is. You either accept that or move on and find what you want.
3 weeks ago

28 is a little early to give up, but if you're this concerned about it, freezing your eggs may be something worth looking into so you have more options, AND so you put less pressure yourself to find a man, any man to be with so you can do things the "right" way.
3 weeks ago

yes.
3 weeks ago

dating isn't the issue. jumping into a relationship is. You can have fun. Don't commit until you're actually over your ex.
3 weeks ago

Let this go, boo. If he's only calling every other week, he's not interested.
3 weeks ago

Date other people and fill your social calendar with other things to do. Make him a part of your life, not your life.
3 weeks ago

Tell him what you like, or take control of the situation and do the work. But do NOT lay there and pretend it's the bestest when it's wack. You will never be satisfied and he will feel decieved if ever her finds out.
3 weeks ago

Welp. :-/ Hope mom is doing better.
3 weeks ago

If you're having these sorta of issues after a month, let it go. Comparing you to other women, already giving up, and talking about what you want (with a stranger really) after a month is way too intense.
3 weeks ago

Hanging out like coming to the house? Yes, red flag based on the scenario. Same for cooking. My stranger danger alarms always go off for these scenarios. It also reads as lazy and just looking for sex.
3 weeks ago

That has more to do with you and the way your status changes in the pool you're dating in than guys in general. You're probably a come up for a "round the way" guy, but average for a "professional", hence why the round the way guy might be quicker to commit. You're "special." It's the same way how white girls go to Black clubs/spaces and all the guys are falling over them, but at white clubs? Not so much. You do know there's girls around the way right now who are complaining about the lack of men who commit?
3 weeks ago

Because they are broken. It's like asking someone with a broken foot why they don't run. They can't.
3 weeks ago

23 year olds can have serious relationships. My question: how long have you two been dating? That determines my general answer here. But even without knowing that, I know that he's told you that he's not trying to commit and you should listen.
3 weeks ago

love is as love DOES. re: the quick move on? either he was already checked out when the relationship ended or he's using the next to get over the ex. sounds like the latter though. this also sounds like more ego than interest. He wants to see other people. Hence why he began seeing then while he was in a relationship.
3 weeks ago

Thanks for sharing that.
3 weeks ago

You don't want to be friends. You're "not sure". What you want is a BF and he doesn't want to be one, at least not to you anymore. He's said so. Thank him for his time, and move on to go find the LTR that you really want. He doesn't get to keep you around as an emotional support system, especially when you're unsure that's what you want to do.
3 weeks ago

So... he's a OBVIOUS no is what you're saying, right? RIGHT?
3 weeks ago

"I find it very inconsiderate when you cancel on me at last minute. It's happened four times. I can't continue to date you if this continues...." Honestly though? Four times? In a month. Throw deuces. When someone thing better (to him) comes up, he drops you to do that.
3 weeks ago

fair. and thanks for sharing. in her case, she followed up to say that he said he'd tried to swing already, and it didn't work. he's interested in more than looking.
3 weeks ago

If a male lead relationship is what you seek and you subscribe to submission, yeah, this is kinda what it looks like when it works. They are working as a team.
3 weeks ago

throw deuces and walk. and the next time, don't wait a year to get a "what is this answer. 4-6 months. Are you in or out?
3 weeks ago

go with your gut. if it doesn't feel right, it isn't.
3 weeks ago

I will assume that this is the final straw and mom's been doing the most before it got to the this point. It's just not logical to think about throwing your mom out over this conversation, even repeated. Before you tell your mom to get out, how about you tell her that you respect her as your mother, but she's overstepping by meddling in your relationship and being disrespectful to you in your home? Ask her to stop. If she can't show some at right and respect after that, maybe she needs to go before things get worse. You do understand by kicking your mother out, you're declaring war on her, right?
3 weeks ago

Wait. It's been two days. I can't call his interest based on this time frame.
3 weeks ago

You can tell him that you miss one-on-one time with him and would like some solo time. But you gotta respect that he's married and wants to spend quality time with his wife. Those days may be done.
3 weeks ago

"I think you're awesome and we can be friends, but I need some time."
3 weeks ago

yup.
3 weeks ago

How do I talk to my boyfriend about the fact that he lasts too long in bed? I don't want to hurt his feelings if there is a problem, but I just don't have 45+ minutes in me every time. It gets uncomfortable for me and we have to stop & then I'm left feeling like I'm the problem, although he tells me I'm great. Ask him: "What can WE do about how long sex lasts? I don't have 45 minutes in me overtime and it gets physically uncomfortable for me." Your physical comfort trumps his feelings/ego. You matter equally as much, if not more.
1 month ago

This is more than a quick answer. If you would like to sign up for coaching, it's coachedbybelle at gmail dot com. That said, I have to point out that the common denominator here is you. If "all" you attract is people who treat you bad, you have to take some adult responsibility for choosing these people in your life.
1 month ago

It's weird that he was so open with his personal info without knowing you. I wouldn't call that a red flag though. The red flag is that he wouldn't answer questions.
1 month ago

You don't like it, it makes you feel like sh--, and he told you that he's not changing. Stop dating him. People don't have to yell or curse to be intimidating or controlling or just mean.
1 month ago

take a 30 day break. When you feel fatigue, you rest.
1 month ago

Best case scenario: he's fishing for sex. Worst case scenario: he's already having it. This is the second time you've caught him. He does it all the time, he just got sloppy because he does it so much. You staying or nah?
1 month ago

i get it, but i also get his pov.
1 month ago

we're in BK. so Army/camo is a practically required/high fashion. I got him into some better cut wares and he's fine for day/casual. just point out to him what you like and what would look good.
1 month ago

yup.
1 month ago

No, I've never been afraid of aging or birthdays. If you don't want to party, don't. It's your birthday, you can do what you want with it. If you want to chill, chill. Go to dinner solo or with friends, take a trip, go to a spa, go shopping lay up in the house and watch movies. It's whatever you want to do.
1 month ago

It wasn't that courageous. My side hustle began to pay more and working a day job started to eat into that money/ opportunities.
1 month ago

Let me get this straight: you live with your FWB, who after 4 years of sex has given you maybe 10 orgasms? Um... I gotta ask, why are you living with your FWB? Was there no one else to call? And why did you continue to have sex with him after maybe the third time of no orgasms? And your first solution to the lack of orgasms it to have threesomes? I'm skipping the orgasms because that's the least of your worries. Honey, what are you doing with life?
1 month ago

Every day, boo. Everyday. Look for a new job. In the meantime, think of the day job as what you have to do to fund the side job. The day job is in an investment in your dream.
1 month ago

nope. that's between him and her. and if he dreamed about you or not, he's ENTIRELY out of place for telling you so. If he comes to you with anything else, feel free to go off so he knows not to do it again.
1 month ago

not wrong for feeling away. The question is what are you going to say/do about it?
1 month ago

You don't wait. You focus your attention on other people and if he steps up, he does. But you don't wait in hopes of anything.
1 month ago

eh... most guys know a gift is customary for these occasions. He may have thought paying for dinner was the "gift." Talk to him about it. If he's an otherwise good BF, talk to him about your expectations, then drop it. If he's in screwing up overall, re-evaluate the relationship.
1 month ago

Stop responding and block him from your page. You can block on Linked In, right?
1 month ago

tis fine. if he's interested, he'll call. but let him pursue from here. you've made sure you were noticed. let him make some effort. you don't want a situation where he's just catching cause you're throwing. You want him to "run"/work.
1 month ago

what's the point? he's clearly not interested/doesn't care.
1 month ago

You don't tell him his wardrobe sucks. You tell him, 'you know what would look great on you? XYZ." And you encourage the things he has already that you like. CBW was great in for-work wear, but his chill clothes when we began dating were... less than flattering. I complimented everything that I liked in his wardrobe. The result? He has nothing but plaid shirts, comfy sweaters, and a crap-ton of army colors. It's more of the things he had that I complimented and he just bought more and more of them.
1 month ago

uh, yeah. And you need to know where he was and why he didn't call too. What was so consuming that he couldn't call to say he would be hours late?
1 month ago

I'm not a fan of ultimatums, in general. But this situation calls for one. The ex is beyond inappropriate and he is entertaining her. She calls all the time because he's giving her the go ahead that it's ok. The calling was bad enough, but after the, "I'm still in love with you", eh should have told her point-blank it was over. Tell him it's you or her, not both. If he can't decide, make the choice for him and bounce. You can't be the side piece in your own relationship.
1 month ago

you handled that perfectly. there's no falling off the face of the earth and then popping up like nothing's wrong when he's lonely or bored. GTFOH.
1 month ago

First time sex can be really wack sometimes. It's two people who don't know each other's likes/dislikes and are trying to figure it all out. And folks get nervous about being judged. Maybe the second time will be better? I dunno. I'd give him another shot. If there's no improvement, tell him that you've thought about it, and think you should keep the situation as just friends, no benefits. I'm with you. Life is too short to have bad sex.
1 month ago

You don't have to explain your choice to date anyone. It's a date, like you pointed out, not a marriage proposal. If you want t date him, have fun. And if you have sex with him, still use a condom.
1 month ago

Old men hit on everyone.
1 month ago

Without knowing how bad the disagreement was, it's hard to call. But in general, when folks throw out the "I have options!" card, they're frustrated and getting ready to walk. If this is someone you're interested in, you'll need to make the time, busy or not. And if you're just that busy, then maybe now isn't the time to date.
1 month ago

Cutie runs are covered in "Don't Waste Your Pretty" and they can be done anywhere. Literally, anywhere. Single men don't have off-times where they're not looking to meet an attractive woman. Speed dating? It's an option. Couldn't hurt. Try it and see if you like it or meet anyone interesting (and you know, cute.)
1 month ago

it's just words. take it for a text he fired off. also, you asked him to catch up, that wasn't a no, but it wasn't a yes either.
1 month ago

You're not in a relationship with this man. Him wanting to explore his ex, even if she's on the other side of earth, is his choice. It's not about you not being "enough woman." He's unsure about you. He's one person. Don't give him the power to define your overall worth just because he's not committing to you. You may be an option to him. For someone else you could be a priority. Give him his space to figure out what he wants to do. Go date others. If he comes back around and you're single and still feeling him, entertain him. But make him work to get back to where he is now. There's no dropping out, then just picking up where he left off because it's convenient.
1 month ago

Nothing. You have no relationship as is and you don't speak now. Continue to proceed as you always have.
1 month ago

If you're not feeling him, then you just aren't. And that's fine. I do have to note, that you're telling me about what he wore, and how he tipped, but nothing about who he is, the conversation or how he treated you. That said, if you want to end things, a simple, "thanks for your time, but this isn't working for me" is sufficient. You don't have to give him a list of what he did wrong.
1 month ago

If you're not worried about him cheating, drop it. And if this really, really bothers you, drop him. He's told you flatly that the friends aren't going anywhere.
1 month ago

you're not in it. their beef is between them. ask them not to talk to you about it.
1 month ago

he doesn't really like you. sorry. 1. because he was rude. 2. because you're getting to know him via text.
1 month ago

it's all talk. he's not DOING anything. you're acting like a GF with no commitment and hanging on promises that he'll someday commit. He's talking about he sees you as his wife and he won't even commit to being your BF. Date him. See if he comes around. But date other people too. Don't be exclusive to a man that's not committed to you.
1 month ago

Just watching is not how this whole thing works. He's already told you he tried to participate which is translation for "I did it before". If you're not down for having sex with others, this is not the relationship for you. Also, watching porn on TV is a lot different from watching two people have sex while you're sitting right there.
1 month ago

you're BF is eventually going to ask you about swinging and/or he is already participating.
1 month ago

Justifiable. Despite being in a relationship, he seems to be still on the hunt and seeking attention from other women. This doesn't end well if you stay, so you know. This is the same as if you were to post pics in your bra and panties. It screams, "I am single, want you to look and available for sex!"
1 month ago

confront him about what? if you're trying to work it out, fine, makes sense to have a conversation. if you're bailing, what's the point. And how close of a family friend is he really if you didn't know when he got divorced?
1 month ago

Get tested. And if you want, keep dating him and see what happens next. Whether this is "ruining" your chances, depends on how the guy feels about first date sex. Some guys are like "she wanted it and took the opp! Great!" Others, are like, "she does that with everyone. Can't take her seriously!" If he doesn't turn out to be a good guy once you get to know him, don't make the mistake of pursuing a relationship with him just because you had sex with him. It's not that serious
1 month ago

The bottomline is that his communication sucks. Maybe that's what he saw growing up, maybe it's a manipulative way to avoid confrontation. Either way, sucks for you and you shouldn't put up with it. You can't ever resolve an issue, as you're discovering.
1 month ago

What do YOU want? You're not obligated to be friends.
1 month ago

He is not interested.
1 month ago

There's literally nothing you can do about this. The only way you get better at sex is by doing it. And you should not have sex to keep him. Have it because you want to. But sex does not keep a man, even if you do it like a porn star. Lots of ladies swinging from chandeliers and are very, very single.
1 month ago

It is too early to ask for more. That said, he's not all that interested. (2 days to write back = Uninterested.) He'll catch if you throw yourself. Can't tell whether he has a GF based on this information .
1 month ago

would you like to be specific? Maybe I can have the tech team work on it. I've made several adjustments for computers and mobile devices that should have made it easier to navigate.
1 month ago

Understand that you're asking an American who doesn't have these cultural conditions. For specific culture questions, it might be best to consult someone from said culture about how to proceed. That said, you obviously want to move out, so go. You can still babysit or financially pitch in if need be. You're moving out, not cross country. It's great to look out for your siblings every now and again, but they are sibs, not kids, and not your primary responsibility.
1 month ago

Ok. Well then who do you feel comfortable going to. You're not obligated to tell anyone other than a doctor about your medical condition. She's not the best outlet anyway. You need someone who is professional qualified to help you manage. The average layperson is not. Be honest. Don't diss her life. Just say that you are going through a lot right now and need some space to deal. Do understand that space can come with consequences.
1 month ago

Unless you're trying to date him, don't work on the project. The project is just bait. He's no different than the guy you don't want who offers front row Prince tickets to get you to say "yes". You telling him, "these are my terms" means nothing. You said it 3x before and it meant nothing.
1 month ago

You intervene when there are kids at risk. And speak to her from a place of concern. Leave out any judgment of her lifestyle, just worry about the kids.
1 month ago

Because when you're in it and you have feelings about it, it doesn't seem myopic. Because it doesn't matter to you, doesn't mean it doesn't matter to someone else.
1 month ago

Focusing on fixing the marriage should be your top priority. What's done is done.
1 month ago

Fair enough.
1 month ago

Read Don't Waste Your Pretty. I'm not being flippant. But literally, it's a whole book of answers to your issue.
1 month ago

Timing is everything. I dated a "perfect guy" when I was 24. I broke up with him because I wanted to be single and dance on tables at parties in Miami. I did that. No regrets. Awesome man, but I would have been miserable if I married him because it just wasn't what I wanted at the time.
1 month ago

lol. glad i could help.
1 month ago

Be honest. This isn't working for me. She might be hurt, but it'll hurt less than falling off the face of the earth and dragging it out.
1 month ago

Huh? You're exclusive to a guy who you're not in a relationship with, and he doesn't want a relationship? Why are you exclusive to him again? I don't get it. He told you that he's isn't ready. Don't pressure him (do you like it when people pressure you when you say "no". Respect that and go date other people.)
1 month ago

Reconcile as you're obviously bothered by it.
1 month ago

Folks are scared. I actually believe the woman's story IF the husband was also drunk. She's got no reason to lie. This is an anonymous site. And yeah, if they woke up the wife and spilled right then, the likelihood of the wife getting over it is much greater. Without knowing the wife's disposition, I can't say how she would react though.
1 month ago

Call him and say everything to him that you just wrote here. And apologize for hurting him. Edit: is there an end date in sight to the long distance now? Because as much as you miss him, if the source of the problems isn't resolved, then you'll be back together and in the exact same situation you were before.
1 month ago

As a mom, yes, it's best to be there for HER, but it's totally acceptable for parents to draw boundaries with their children. You are not obligated to entertain or even listen to all the drama that goes on. Surely you've given her plenty of advice and told her to leave the guy alone. And she hasn't listened. So now, give her the "If that's what you choose for your life, you are grown and I can't stop you. I love you, and I will help you if you want to make different choices, but I don't want any parts of that." Oddly enough, it's actually the speech for parents with kids who are addicts.
1 month ago

I don't know him, so I can't say if he's down for a long distance relationship. If you are interested, then you should tell him about the move and see what he thinks. That said, I would not cancel a move for an "ex" or for a "boyfriend".
1 month ago

you did have a chance to tell your wife. She didn't step to the day after she read the pregnancy test. The child was here. That's at least 9 months, no? And that's a lot of time. I'll give you that situation you describe was a lot. But again, this is one of those "you play in dirt, you get dirty" scenarios. You looked crazy because you're in a crazy situation. I hear you giving a lot of blame onto the other mother of your child. At what point do you accept responsibility for this drama?
1 month ago

You seem less to want an answer than for me to validate your perspective. Unfortunately, I can't do that for you. It's not out of the realm of reason for a woman to want herself, her child, and the child's father to be a family, even if the child was conceived in a messy way. It's actually pretty normal. And it matters that it's not public, because no one likes to feel like it's a secret, even if the relationship started that way. When you've got a child and everyone's asking "who is the father?" and "Where is the father?" and she has to make something up or say "he's not around", she probably feels awful and she likely thinks of how she explains this to the child down the line. Now, does she play a role in how things turned out? Absolutely. And she is responsible for her part. But you, sir, are also responsible. You both seem to be naive about the consequences of the choices you made together.
1 month ago

If the details are honestly exactly like you've said, AND the husband was also drunk, you have to decide for yourself whether being honest with your friend or keeping the friendship is more important to you. You're more than likely not going to be friends if you tell your friend you made out with her husband. Also, you need to take a break from drinking. It's one thing to get tipsy. It's another to be so wasted that you don't know who you're making out with or where.
1 month ago

It's hard to give an answer without knowing what the issue is or how big it is. That said, sometimes it's not about being right or wrong, but having peace. If he's willing to take your side to keep the peace, maybe you should just accept that. Also, you can still have a non-heated conversation about what your point was that you were trying to get him to see.
1 month ago

Not sure what's up with your device, but all 3 of your follow up questions were cut off. I can't make out the gust of your response, other than you consistently paid child support.
1 month ago

"I haven't really heard from him..." tells you everything you need to know about his interest level. You should move on. He has.
1 month ago

the only way to guarantee you won't get hurt again is to not be with anyone. (And with that potentially comes a different kind of hurt.) i hear what he's saying now that he's returned. what is he doing? if you want to try again, date him, and see what he's coming to the table with. dating him isn't an agreement to get back with him.
1 month ago

You can't make him be what he doesn't want to be. And you can't make her stop dealing with him. She has to want to. There is literally nothing you can do here other than accept the circumstances and do what is best for the grandchild. It's your grandchild but it's not YOUR child. Eventually, hopefully, she will get tired of dealing with him and move on. What was the blow up about exactly?
1 month ago

These questions are so sketchy. He gotta take some responsibility for the mess he caused.
1 month ago

More or less. There's a chapter on it in A Belle in Brooklyn. Pick it up on Amazon.com
1 month ago

That's his mama's job. Not yours. Surely, you have things andpeople in your life that need your attention more than a man who only wants you for sex and treats you like sh--. You ain't no superhero. Why are you trying to save grown folks?
1 month ago

Sir. You played in dirt and you got dirty. I'm appalled that you thought this wasn't going to come out someday, or that this woman was supposed to be eternally happy with her and her son being a secret. This is ON YOU. You cheated. You didn't use a condom. You didn't tell your wife about the child. You opened the door and left it open for all this drama to come thru. And just for clarity, I'm not judging you. I am pointing out that you need to take some responsibility here. Trying to blame the woman you chose to have sex with isn't doing that.
1 month ago

What? No. That's his wife's job. He's covered.
1 month ago

You don't. You're not in a relationship with him. He wants to get himself together and circle back, maybe consider it if you're available. But there's no "waiting" and there's no relationship.
1 month ago

ha! good job!
1 month ago

Depends on the nature of the relationship. Is it inappropriate or is she a work-friend?
1 month ago

fade away.
1 month ago

If you met him in person and liked him, what is the problem here?
1 month ago

Most doesn't mean all. Take your time getting to know people befit you open up. Talk about surface ish until you can trust. Everyone isn't meant to be your friend.
1 month ago

Are you even interested in the ex? That you have to ask if you should tell him you're moving, screams "no" to me. So just go on and move.
1 month ago

I'm confused. You're concerned about the peck. I'm wondering why you're ok with being walked to the train at 2AM. Was no cab or uber available? But as for the awkward, maybe it was nerves, or maybe you didn't send him, tongue-me-down signals so he didn't know what to do, and kept it safe? I don't know what the kiss is supposed to mean, but the putting you on the train at 2AM bother me. Why did you go and why didn't he hail you a cab, call uber? if you tell me he drove himself home, we will fight. LOL.
1 month ago

Perhaps he'll return and grace us with an explanation.
1 month ago

It's rarely about actually wanting the man. It's more like hurt people, hurt people. Or a power grab. Treating people, including women, as less than and disposable, gets old at some point. The nuke-bombing your life is a power move. You thought she was "just" a side-chick, welp, she has power you didn't recognize. Also, she doesn't really know if your wife is bailing or not. Because you say it, doesn't make it true. You're not exactly reliable here, you know?
1 month ago

You're expecting someone who is morally compromised to suddenly have a upright code of ethics. Like, if she thinks it's okay to have sex with another woman's husband no the front end, I'm confused as to who you want her to consider your wife's feelings on the back end. It's inconsistent with the person she has shown you to be. There is "no part" to playing in dirt. You're playing in dirt, engaging a morally compromised relationship. All that's guaranteed is you get dirty. That's it.
1 month ago

Practice.
1 month ago

as much as you may tell yourself otherwise, it's not just sex for you. if you didn't want him to like/desire you, you wouldn't care how he responded the morning after. what happened was, you weren't convenient, he made other plans, that plan fell thru, then he tried to circle back to you. he hung out with the other woman on the second night. what you want changed, and that's fine. just don't put yourself in the position for just sex again when you know you want more.
1 month ago

Huh? You want to be friends with a guy who stood you up, cursed you on social media, but your biz on social media, only wants to have sex with you, is not open to love or a relationship WHY? No, seriously, why? Tell me why he would make a good friend in 300 words and how this friendship could be beneficial to you.
1 month ago

You're trying to change the arrangement way late in the game. If you want more, tell him that, so you can know definitively where you stand with him. But feeling a way about him not being in town? Keep that to yourself. If he's not down to "be more", then you need to stop having sex with him. Your feelings are going to be any easier to manage the more you continue to have sex with him
1 month ago

People aren't perfect. Is this something you can live with or no?
1 month ago

Whatever you want to do is fine. Your name is very personal. Whatever you chose should be something that works for you. I deleted my middle and added my husband's surname. I go by all three names.
1 month ago

He likes being an enigma.
1 month ago

It's your body. You can do what you want with it. The question is, "are you emotionally prepared?" Some women absolutely can have sex with someone regularly and not catch feelings, some women catch them on day one. Which woman are you? If you can not get emotionally attached, get tested, use condoms anyway, and have fun.
1 month ago

He's not doing anything chivalrous, probably isn't picking up the tab, and you'll be taking the garbage out.
1 month ago

Something is definitely wrong. DEFINITELY. Just wait. It will come out sooner than later.
1 month ago

Only you can decide if it's settling. I will say that the grand gestures and the romance are cherries on top, not the Sunday. He may not be a romantic and be a great match. However, if that's what does it for you, and he's not willing to try, maybe he isn't the right one. You have to decide.
1 month ago

Yes. I remember. So... as a life coach, I have to recommend that you ignore the calls. She knew he was a sketchy man when he was married and messing with her. Now she got him, and he's surprised somehow that he is still sketchy with her. Um. Let her wallow in confusion and put up with his BS. She wanted him. She gets ALL that comes it him. You two have nothing to talk about. Also, as a woman, I get the urge to call and curse her out. I swear I do. If you really want to torture her though, ignore her. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
1 month ago

no. my fear wasn't being alone; it was being with the wrong person.
1 month ago

no. you've had a 10 year demonstration of what he's going to be like as a husband. he doesn't keep a job, "falls short" and whatever he's doing 'it isn't enough". he's not going to change once you marry him. if who he is isn't right for you-- and from your letter it seems you know he isn't--then you need to move o.
1 month ago

You can't judge her as being sexually active, then have sex with her, and sans a relationship at that She treats sex like a man typically does, and probably like you do. If she's cool, willing to get tested, and won't cheat in a relationship, what's the problem?
1 month ago

That's a very personal decision. Do whatever works for you and your partner.
1 month ago

this is more of a coaching question than a quick answer: coachedbybelle at gmail dotcom.
1 month ago

of course.
1 month ago

You can be more open and make a point to speak to him when you see him, but it will read as you're only interested because he's moved on. I'm curious, why did you think he was waving and winking at you?
1 month ago

so ask him. and go to her social media and see what she writes in her captions.
1 month ago

"yes, its me. thank you for watching." Next time, or if there's a next time, read the contract in full and get a lawyer.
1 month ago

yeah, let her be.
1 month ago

I get why you would find it annoying, but no sense in making a big deal of it as she's not saying anything inappropriate. It sounds like she is trying to get in good with the fam.
1 month ago

he's not that interested. 1. you had to ask after 7 months. 2. he's saying and not doing. 3. his answer was essentially, "i love everyone, that includes you." i.e., you're not special.
1 month ago

Tell him that you would like to meet in person. If he's local and can't figure it out within a couple weeks, stop talking to him. Otherwise, it's a "catfish" episode waiting to happen.
1 month ago

Ignore them both. What wold you expect to happen if you contact him? He would apologize and explain? Would he answer even? Would he post the whole conversation on social media? He's an ass. You can't reach people like him. Oh, and who cares what his friends and family think. They're not YOUR friends, and if they were, they'd stay out of it.
1 month ago

be honest with her about how you operate and what your time permits. maybe that doesn't work for her. and that's fine. the friendship may have been for a season/reason, not a lifetime.
1 month ago

no.
1 month ago

yes. he needs to out forth some effort. you want a man who goes after what he wants.
1 month ago

"this is not working for me. we shouldn't contact each other further." Then block him.
1 month ago

some people don't care about relationships. they show up here a lot. oral sex can be a power trip. and lot of people get turned on by performing it. It's not always just about the other person. if she has a sexual addiction, then it's an ADDICTION. addicts give in to their "drug" of choice. It's not about what's socially acceptable. I'm not one of those coaches that thinks every sexually liberated woman has low self-esteem. i gotta ask, what is your fascination with her? judging her doesn't make your life any better or worse.
1 month ago

so do I.
1 month ago

go to the wedding. ask her not to seat you near your father at the reception. no sense in having major beef with two family members.
1 month ago

I hope you've both been testes and you're using birth control of some sort, unless you're trying to get pregnant and he is good with that. Tell him that you want to use condoms, starting now, and that's the only way you'll have sex. You're not denying yourselves sex, you're insisting on practicing it safely. Admittedly, this gets tricky after all this time. He may believe that you are cheating or think he is. Assure him this is a change you want to make for yourself. You know better now, so you're doing better. And if you're not comfortable with being honest, tell him that your doctor said you should.
1 month ago

Not a red flag. Communicate. If you want something, ask for it. It's your life. Be an active participant in it.
1 month ago

you can't tell him you want a relationship, then fall off the face of the earth in a place that has wi-fi. If you're interested, act interested. The not calling is the adult equiv of having a tantrum because you can't get your way when you want it. If you go away and don't call, you're killing all shot of having a relationship with him. Wouldn't you feel slighted if the person you speak to regularly for 6 months just dipped on you.
1 month ago

He may be asking what you like to do because he wants to make sure you have a good time. It's not always laziness. As for the house, tell him you're not comfortable. If you want to go out with him, suggest something inexpensive. If you're not feeling him, just say so, and move on.
1 month ago

Then you should probably not invite your bestie if you can't get a ticket for him too.
1 month ago

Yes.
1 month ago

It's fine if you don't like it, but you don't really have to deal. If your girl chooses to be friends, despite the shadiness, so be it. She clearly gets something out of the friendship and she is entitled to befriend whoever she wants, including folks who treat her bad. Tell her that you don't want to be involved when she calls you complaining.
1 month ago

She doesn't have boundaries and likes sex, or she may have an addiction. If this is you, it's worth going to a therapist to figure out why IF IT'S A PROBLEM FOR YOU. If this is someone else, let that grown lady be grown. She'll ask for help if and when she needs it.
1 month ago

You find a friend who isn't using all of their tickets and you bum one. OR you explain the situation to your best friend and ask her what she would like to do. She may choose to sit this one out because her husband can't make it, or she may roll. I've sat through a few graduations. It's done moreso out of obligation than entertainment.
1 month ago

You knew who he was and how he rolled when you married him. He's not changing because he said, "I do." You either deal or you bounce.
1 month ago

love yourself more. you're showing more concern for someone who cheated on you AND then begins to talk to you greasy than you are for yourself. no bueno. he's not interested anymore. he just doesn't have the courage to say it flat out.
1 month ago

You're not obligated to do respond, especially if you think it'll be a trigger for you. "Ok" is fine if you want to be a big girl. So is silence.
1 month ago

It can work. It's a lot of work. But it can work. There's a chapter on best practices for how in "Don't Waste Your Pretty"
1 month ago

i know. but she wants it back. get it if you can.
1 month ago

You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences, which may not be what you want.
1 month ago

start over. you clearly know how to meet people. just do it again. what's stopping you?
1 month ago

That's between them. Couples go through ish. If he's not sure, that's for him to say.
1 month ago

That's not your problem. If you don't want to get involved, you're not obligated. That said, you may lose your friend. Again, it's not a result of anything you did wrong.
1 month ago

You don't have to say "no". I just hope you know him well enough to be alone with him. It's fine to cook every now and again when you're being whined and dined, even when you're not committed. Just don't make it habit, and don't do it for a stranger or someone who doesn't deserve your hot pot.
1 month ago

This isn't IG. I don't do follow up updates unless it's a big QOTD. Fair enough on the explanation. I've answered your question here already. Scroll down.
1 month ago

Leave. This is unacceptable and he's not changing. After six years, you've pretty much told him that you're okay with this. He has deep problems that you can't fix. Enduring bad treatment is not love.
1 month ago

This doesn't change, and after you're married, he'll only get more comfortable. If you can't deal with this now, get out now.
1 month ago

Shady. LOL. The team is working on it. Please be patient.
1 month ago

It's the go to because it hurts and that's what he wanted to do. It's also a way of deflecting responsibility. He's one man with one opinion. You don't have to hold value. Actually, it only holds the value you give it. Consider the source: the man who treated you bad said something mean. Why does his opinion get to matter?
1 month ago

Why are you with him? He treats you terribly.
1 month ago

She's emotionally attached to the bear. I get it, and I also get why you don't get it. Ask your sister for the bear back and offer to replace it. As a mom-to-be, she will likely understand. I am also very sorry for your loss.
1 month ago

Absolutely! What do I need to accept bottles from strange men for? I work. If I'm thirsty (or want to stunt), I can buy one. The man is trying to holler. It's disrespectful to my husband to entertain men trying to holler.
1 month ago

sounds like it.
1 month ago

Go to the new place without him. That's what your girls are for. The last thing you want is to be sitting up in a restaurant with your man and he's thinking about his ex that he sat with at the same table or just across the room. He isn't comfortable. Choose your battles. This isn't the place to push.
1 month ago

Welp, if 6 months hits and there's no date set (and by date set, that means down payment on venue) then you know what you have to do.
1 month ago

Find someone else other than him to invite. Let that man put in some work/ effort.
1 month ago

Yes. And Yes. Random dudes aren't buying you drinks because you look thirsty. They're trying to holler. Accepting the drink is viewed as being open to a conversation, i.e., flirting. If you're not trying to chat/flirt, but your own drinks.
1 month ago

this is just the beginning. at 25, I thought my career an dating life were over. LOL.
1 month ago

Is he calling? LOL. He could have a significant other or he could have just not gotten around to it. It's off, but I can't base his level of interest/relationship status on this alone. Why don't you just ask him why he hasn't saved it?
1 month ago

LMAO. A waterproof phone doesn't translate to wet selfie. If that's what you want, ask.
1 month ago

Tacky. If you can't afford to throw a wedding, the go to the courthouse and have one for $65. You're married all the same. Have a ceremony/celebration when you (or your families) can afford one.
1 month ago

Stop saying that ish. Sex comes up, say that you would like to get to know them better before that is on the table. Keep your 90 day rule to yourself. No one likes to feel like they are being tested.
1 month ago

The man said he ain't ready. LISTEN. He knows himself better than you do. Now given what he said, you have the CHOICE to stick around and wait and see if he changes his mind, or if you can (hopefully, continue to) explore your options elsewhere.
1 month ago

He's got a decent out because you choose not to be specific. He can always claim he forgot or he didn't know it was important to you because you didn't say so. Call him back, let him know what day it is and that you want to do something WITH HIM. If he declines, you know exactly where you stand, which is, he's okay on you, but he ain't all that interested.
1 month ago

yes.... how do you know this? lol.
1 month ago

Do you have to go to the same church as your husband? If you go to separate churches, still the same religion, based on the same book, no? Can you take turns visiting each other's churches every now and again?
1 month ago

This man is a fool, and a pimp. Block him immediately.
1 month ago

Start hanging out at places where lesbian/bi women frequent and when you meet folks, be honest about where you are. Some will balk. Others will remember being exactly where you are and be fine with it.
1 month ago

Most people share after the first trimester. Others just don't want to. Their pregnancy = their business. There's no rule that they have to share, though at some point it usually becomes noticeable :-) Don't take it personal.
1 month ago

Is it "wrong", no? Self-satisfaction is healthy and normal. That said, I don't know the parameters of celibacy for your relationship. There's a sect among the celibate set that doesn't think masturbation is okay. They're like the vegans (no dairy) of celibacy. The folks who still masturbate are more like vegetarians (milk and cheese allowed).
1 month ago

The "i don't believe in monogamy" guys, like the stability/emotional connection of a relationship, while also the adventure of having options. They often don't believe in it for themselves, but they do for their partners. The relationship is to keep the partner monogamous to them while they do their thing.
1 month ago

You don't have to talk to solidify dating, but you do need to have a talk to solidify that you're in a relationship.
1 month ago

That's good to know. Again, you need to find someone else to talk to, and he needs to stop asking. Also, ask him what he expects you to do when you need to talk something though. In a perfect world, that person is your spouse, but, you know, the world isn't perfect and sometimes you need to bounce ideas/issues off of someone with a level head.
1 month ago

To her credit, it is very overwhelming to plan a wedding. Suggest she hire a wedding planner. And give a deadline for when this train needs to leave the station. You've been on hold for 2 years. You need to know if this marriage is going to happen or not. Also, is there a plan for one or both of you to move? That needs to be on the table too.
1 month ago

Go slower and be more selective. Also, this is kind of what dating is. Meeting people and going over the same details to find a match. You can't complain about results you don't get for work you don't do. You want a relationship or a few good options to date, you're going to have to put in the work.
1 month ago

You should be concerned. But I can't tell from these details if that's stress talking or is if there's something he's not telling you. That said, when people tell you that you are better off without them, believe them. They know themselves better than you do.
1 month ago

Yes, but wait till AT LEAST until after the honeymoon. Terribly unfortunate that you are ill from the food, but it certainly wasn't intentional on the groom's behalf and there's not much to be done about it at this point.
1 month ago

First, I respect your effort here. It might not have been spectacular, but it sounds like you put your best foot forward. That said, I'm appalled that your husband isn't willing to help here. It's quite unfair to want to start a tradition and not contribute to making it happen AND set stipulations that make it even more difficult for you. Preparing meals by yourself for two families is an EXCEPTIONAL amount of work and a BIG ASK for it to happen on a regular basis. You need help in the kitchen-- more cooks and better food-- if this tradition is to continue. Speaking of food, it's worth you AND HUSBAND-- investing the time to get better at cooking. Not to impress your in-laws, but because you and hubs have to eat and it might as well be good. One of the ways to step it up is also a good opportunity to bond with your family. Ask his fam to get in the kitchen to help cook for these dinners and ask them to show you their skills. Hopefully, the extra cooks and the improved taste will make dinner go over better. If not, suggest a caterer, or another tradition.
1 month ago

I don't know.
1 month ago

From you and hubs are fine.
1 month ago

Not that he's at all in the "right" to write you a stank email, but see it from his side. He just found out he has an incurable STI and he has to email his exes to say so and try to figure out where he got it from. It's embarrassing and surely he's angry, he just doesn't know who to direct it at. To be clear: he's wrong. But it is a little understandable given the circumstances. Keep it classy when you hit him back to say that you're in the clear and wish him well.
1 month ago

The conversation as in, "this is a wrap"? If he's ducking you, text him.
1 month ago

Have you asked him what's up or who he's talking to? I can't call this. He could also be watching video links, or reading something funny. ASK HIM.
1 month ago

Constantly? yes. You can do a check-in. Unless you're a blogger live-tweeting a show, put that thing down and interact with the people in front of you.
1 month ago

Yes.
1 month ago

So black is the only option? Visit the city that's close by to see if you like the vibe. Stay for the weekend. What is your plan to meet people while you're out there. Because even if you're in a populated place, you can still be lonely if you don't have skills to meet folks. Showing up and sitting down isn't enough?
1 month ago

Everyone talks to someone. The smart people don't go back to their mate and say, "I talked to XYZ and he said..." Also, it's easier on your mate when you tell the business to someone they don't have to encounter on a regular basis. Keep the peace and compromise. Find a distant person to talk to and tell BF not to ask, so you don't lie.
1 month ago

You invited a co-worker from a new job to a FAMILY event and you don't know if he's interested AFTER he not only attended the event, but was also staring at you all night? Yes, he's interested.
1 month ago

If you're not used to talking to people and making yourself available, yes, it will feel uncomfortable the first time you do it, and you will look uncomfortable. The only way you get comfortable being around and meeting people is by doing it. You met one person who seemed uninterested. Keep going.
1 month ago

:-)
1 month ago

It is possible, and it's possible for it to be successful. If he's had ample time to work on himself and you believe the changes you're seeing are genuine, it's cool to DATE him to see further how he's changes. Agreeing to date him does not mean you have to commit to him.
1 month ago

If you wanted him to come help you with the second coat, why didn't you just say, "hey, are still coming over to help me?" That's what you wanted, right? This is just bad communication from BOTH of ya'll. He offered to help twice. It didn't pan out. But if he didn't want to do it in the first place -- no one likes painting someone else's apartment really. It's a labor of love-- he wouldn't have asked. Let this go
1 month ago

Your current situation is not your ex. And while it's... I guess, "nice" that your ex endured your "messed up" food, it isn't a sign of lack of care that the current guy isn't willing to do so. He is, after all, taking you out to make up for your lackluster skills in the kitchen. You want him to rave over your food? You'll need to practice your cooking more, maybe take a class or get some new cookbooks.
1 month ago

Your house isn't the house you grew up in. It's great that you want to do something different, but it's unfair to push your feelings about how you were raised onto your husband EVERY night. Your family will not implode if you don't eat at the table together every night. And you can eat healthy food together while playing games. What's important is that you do things TOGETHER. Sometimes that can be traditional around the table. Other times in the living room (or wherever the games are.)
1 month ago

Of course they do. It depends on what they did. Some folks/action just get a roll of the eyes like "oh, that's just so-and-so". Others/actions are "nope. I'm done."
1 month ago

Compromise. Somedays dinner at the table, others shut down on the video games and such until after dinner. For weekends, one day lazy day, the other something as a family. I find when people retreat into their phones or video games, there's a deeper problem in the house that they don't want to address. It's a passive aggressive way of coming home, which is the "right" thing, but not really being there. Also, remind husband that while it's not a big deal to him, it is to you as his wife and you expect to have your needs addressed, just as he expects the same. Last thought, you can also meet hubs halfway, by joining in on the games. That can be a family "thing" as well.
1 month ago

So you and BF are in a bad place, and you don't want to spend your bday around him. You do realize that you're sending the message that the relationship is about to be a wrap by distancing yourself this way on a day that is important to you. If you're planning to stay in this relationship, you need to suck up the birthday and perhaps have a talk with him about how important it is that you have a great day. Nix him from the day, and you might have a great bday, but no BF in the weeks after.
1 month ago

No harm in mentioning it, especially if you're the type who want to know. But this isn't mandatory. It's FB.
1 month ago

This is something only YOU can decide. What's more important to you: not having this date on Saturday or meeting this man ASAP?
1 month ago

You're always "right" to speak up for yourself when you feel you're being disrespected. You obviously don't like the way he speaks to you. Offer him the option of doing better or tell him that it's not working out and move on.
1 month ago

I need more info. Did the guy approach you at all? I'm unclear why he gave his number to the friend and not you directly. I need a good reason.
1 month ago

He's all talk, no action. Tell him to stop and respect the boundaries of the friendship.
1 month ago

My family and friends are my priority on weekends. If I have down time, I'll do some work. This was a packed weekend.
1 month ago

Nah, son. He has no business there looking single, available and interested. He can meet up with them after the event is over.
1 month ago

Every date doesn't have to end in a relationship. You can date just to meet people and have fun.
1 month ago

Yes. It's a date. Not a commitment for anything other than a few hours of your time. I'm not a fan of that age gape in relationships, but a date isn't a relationship. It's an outing. That said, if you don't want to go, you're not obligated to just because he asked.
1 month ago

You don't have to go see them overtime you're invited, but yeah, you need to go, even if you're spending the whole time being comfortably polite and trying to put your finger on what's off about their dynamic. You haven't said that they're rude, just that they're "weird".
1 month ago

I'm confused. You've been on two dates with him, ya'll ran into each other, and instead of talking you spent the whole time TEXTING? Why didn't you TALK yo each other? Either way, appropriate to ask, but do you really want to see him again? He was awkward on two dates and was in a room with you texting you, which is also awkward. I'm questioning his social skills, and maybe yours too. Why didn't you tell him to come talk to you?
1 month ago

i'm not bothered by that. "It's good". i don't offer details one way or another.
1 month ago

He will in time. Apologize and move on. Once he gets over the trauma, he'll want you to do it again.
1 month ago

Leave.
1 month ago

Tell him that. Exactly as you've said it here.
1 month ago

Nip this.
1 month ago

Practice it. She's the wife of his favorite uncle. She isn't going anywhere. And you and her can't go to war because it would upset hub's relationship with his uncle.
1 month ago

Tell your fiance the truth and that you don't want to go. You don't know what married guy will or won't do. He plays fast and loose with his vows. There's no telling what he'll do. And if/when you're fiance discovers that you had him sitting up there with ol boy and never said anything, you'll look sketchy.
1 month ago

There's a middle ground here that you're looking over entirely. You're only presenting extremes. How about you talk to the friend/family member? Ideally, it's the husband's fam, so he should be the one addressing. But if he won't, it's still your house too. And you shouldn't be disrespected in it. Say something to the fam/ guest letting them know what's acceptable in YOUR home. You're doing them a favor allowing them to stay. They aren't immediate family and you very easily could have declined and suggested they pay for a hotel.
1 month ago

he was definitely flirting. was that all it was? i dunno. you'll know if he contacts you or not. if he hits you up, and you're interested, go out with him and see what he's about.
1 month ago

That's something you and your partner have to decide on.
1 month ago

http://www.abelleinbrooklyn.com/askfm-3rd-dnadad-update-return-bio-father/
1 month ago

Approach him the same way you would anyone else. Don't treat him any different. Just make sure he knows you're interested. If he is as well, he'll step up.
1 month ago

Nope. Not crazy.
1 month ago

Assuming that he's taken you out at least a couple times already? You didn't do anything wrong. If his manhood is that easily offended and he gets weird, then he's no good for you anyway. All he had to say was, "I appreciate the offer, but I got it." Problem solved. Your girls are tripping too, IF this was not a first date.
1 month ago

That is who he is, either charming or flirtatious, whatever. It isn't changing. If you cannot deal, then you need to go.
1 month ago

1. He's married. Separated = married. You can only build so far with him, because there's someone already legally holding the top spot: his (still) wife. 2. Have you blown it? I don't know. He doesn't sound very receptive. But I can't tell from your query how long he's been giving you the cold shoulder. You seem to be flipping out a lot, and that's not attractive. 3. Are you wasting your time? He's still married. Where are you really expecting this to go? 4. If he wants you in his life, you should require him to get his wife out of his.
1 month ago

Call you ob/gyn.
1 month ago

I get why you're annoyed, but you knew what the deal was going in. He told you upfront. Also, he's not responsible for her actions. She is. You can ask him to talk to her and to avoid taking you places where she might be present. But unless the BFF is going somewhere, she's gonna be around on a regular basis and if you stick around, you're gonna have to deal with a smile. Also, given that it's the sister of his BFF, she was probably way more than a FWB. Average dude wouldn't put his boy's sister in that situation.
1 month ago

It's easier to fake, not be bored for 2 months than it is for 1. And even after 2 months, you're still dating a representative and don't know the person. If you're into each other and enjoying the time spent, what's the rush? Enjoy the process. Also, it's not just hanging, it's getting comfortable, communicating, and looking at who they are consistently.
1 month ago

This is tough. He keeps asking because he thinks you're hiding something, and the truth is you are. If you don't want to tell him, tell him it makes you uncomfortable and ASK him to stop. Add that you will tell him the details when you get to know him better. If he continues to pester you in the meantime, you either tell him or move on.
1 month ago

Stranger-danger. You barely know this man. It's been JUST 3 weeks. Why are you so eager to have him up in your space? If you want to be mindful of his finances, then suggest inexpensive options OUTSIDE of the house. Sitting up on the couch is not a date.
1 month ago

Depends on how long its been going on. If it's more than a month, go talk to someone. If it happened about a week ago, yeah, all that's about right and should subside.
1 month ago

No. Let that man do some work and show some interest. You can ask him out (and pay) for date 3. And you ask the same way he does (or should), "are you free no XYZ. I'd like to go to ABC". Or "what are you doing tonight. Wanna go to ______?"
1 month ago

Let her be mad and figure out her own problems. She's putting you in a no-win situation. The least you can do for yourself, is not be frustrated by her problems/disposition.
1 month ago

If you can manage it well enough. Discuss when you're having conversations about commitment.
1 month ago

Yes. He's a doctor. He's been asked that and a lot more. And anything you say to him is confidential, by law. Ask him. That said, if you can't have a candid conversation with your OB/gyn or any doctor, then you need a new one.
1 month ago

She's ok. Good support system. Last I heard, she was planning to leave him. His job was in question, administration said hers was secure.
1 month ago

^^^^
1 month ago

But, but... what about the Latinos and the Asians. White and Black aren't the only options. There are other colors.
1 month ago

He wanted you to project more confidence/ be more decisive. I'm not really a fan of folks critiquing others on a first date, but if you really like him, give it a second shot and see if he does better on #2. Sometimes folks are nervous/twitchy on #1.
1 month ago

Have a conversation before you bail.
1 month ago

ask him what's up.
1 month ago

He likes you well enough, but he's not goo gobs interested. If you like him and can date without getting attached, do so. Make him one of your options. If you tend to get caught up, let him know that it's not working for you and wish him well.
1 month ago

Literally, smile more. I have "resting b---h face" too. I could be on cloud 9, but my face reads as indifferent. Also, you've got to approach people (cutie run) and flirt. Deets on how to do all that are in "Don't Waste Your Pretty".
1 month ago

There's a chapter about maintaining LDRs in "Don't Waste Your Pretty". But to answer your last question, yes, they can work. It helps when there's an end date in sight, when you can see each other in person often and when communication is strong.
1 month ago

You've answered your own question. I don't hang out with people who don't make me feel good about myself. There's a difference between people who constructively call you on your ish because they want you to be at your best, and people who just make you feel bad about yourself all the time.
1 month ago

I think that you don't learn how to be in a relationship unless you're in one. There's a million theories about how to build a healthy relationship, and most of us can read about the right thing to do, but you need to put it to the test, the hard part. Relationships can be fun, and also challenging. You can learn a lot about yourself while you're in one. Also, you don't get a husband without having a BF, assuming your marriage isn't arranged. That said, you're 18, your mind may change. If you don't have an interest in being in a relationship for now, then don't be, "just" date.
1 month ago

Let her bang. She sees you doing well and wants to be down. I know it's annoying, but there are worse things to be competitive about. If there's a competition to be the best, academics ain't a bad place to compete.
1 month ago

In general? No. But if you insulted him by calling names first, you don't have much outrage and ground to stand on. Would have been great if he was the bigger person here and refrained from insulting you back, but ya'll are pretty even here. One of you have to be bigger person here, apologize AND MOST IMPORTANT, set boundaries for how you fight. You were angry/frustrated, I get it. But whatever the problem didn't get solved and probably still is unresolved.
1 month ago

Is there a way to work with/manage your boss so you'll be happier? If you've exhausted the possibilities, I'll tell you this: just cause everyone else might want it, doesn't mean you have to want it. Staying because people envy your job and want it isn't a good enough reason to stay when "know you NEED to move on."
1 month ago

:-)
1 month ago

both.
1 month ago

:-/
1 month ago

bow out
1 month ago

yes.
1 month ago

Call and ask her if there's something she needs/wants to discuss with you. And tell her your feelings are hurt. That's not needy or whiny. It's honest.
1 month ago

You can pick of "Don't Waste Your Pretty" on Amazon, BN.com or Kindle. It's explained in detail. Also, it's hard t first, especially if you're not used to talking to people/flirting. Being personable is one of those things you have to do practice with people to get right.
1 month ago

Yeah. Speak up. And I wouldn't have her around my dude anymore if I were you. No need to mention it to him either.
1 month ago

You should share that with your partner.
1 month ago

Such is life. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Enjoy your man and keep it moving.
1 month ago

There's no dilemma. He's not interested and he's creating scenarios that you can't win to push you away, instead of just saying, "it's a wrap." (That said, if you couldn't afford a date, you should have offered to make dinner or something. I feel him on the coming out of pocket with no reciprocity). You like him so you're overlooking his actions. This goes on as long as you ALLOW it to.
1 month ago

So go with them.
1 month ago

So here's the deal, if there's someone you want to celebrate V-Day with, have a conversation with them about your expectations so you're not in the dark, neither are they, or worse, you're disappointed the day of.
1 month ago

I'm unclear why you need your mother to be on board. You're grown and raising another life. Great if mom will co-sign your choices. But if she doesn't, life goes on. You need to create boundaries with her. She should not be questioning your kid about how you move and who you move with. Also, you too damn grown for you mom to curse you. She's mom and she should be respected, but so should you.
1 month ago

LOL. You must be a long term reader. That's sweet. Thank you for the good energy. It still feels weird to say it.
1 month ago

Is this a relationship question? I'll make the occasional exception for career of friendship stuff, but...
1 month ago

Or you could just sign out and delete the cookies. But to keep it 100, I'd probably keep using it. It's not like if you sign out, the account is cancelled and she's no longer billed.
1 month ago

No. It would be boring as sh-- if it's true to life. Folks glued to their laptops and phones isn't entertaining, and most writers are dry on personality. You ever been in a room full of bloggers? A LOT of them of awkward (and I say that as someone who is an admitted introvert.)
1 month ago

Yes, there is a fee. I offer 30 minute sessions by phone, Skype and face-to-face and provide an one-on-one experience to address whatever your dating/relationship or career concerns are. I also offer packaged sessions for those who would like to work together on a regular basis to sort through their concerns. If you would like to sign up for coaching, please email me at coachedbybelle at gmail dot com.
1 month ago

Send ONE follow up email to the contacts at the office asking if they are interested in doing biz. If you don't hear back or they don't respond affirmatively, drop it. Understand, they may be in an awkward position too. They may not want to work with your husband, but they may also not want to say "no" to you. I get it, hubs wants help, but you did your part with the introductions. You can't make the folks at your company want to work with his company or sour your relationships at work. You can do an official ask on his behalf.
1 month ago

Why not? Where else am I supposed to answer questions?
1 month ago

"Hey, not sure what's going on. But it's best if we go back to just being how we were before. Be well." You HAVE to add the "be well."
1 month ago

You're contradicting yourself in your query. You write "nor did I care about having someone there" but then add, "I was annoyed that after ditiching me for her bf for the last three months and we are finally getting to spend some time together, he there." You were upset he was there. I get it. But you should have said that. Cockblocking her and way, way worse sabotaging her relationship aren't cool. The cockblock was one thing. What you said to her BF might get you banned for life. You were angry. She said some mean things AFTER you got out of line. But being angry doesn't make implying to her BF that she cheats ok. You may like him, but you didn't want him there, and what you said was a GREAT way of getting him out of your girl's life. You seem to have a LOT of animosity toward your "friend".
1 month ago

Yup. That's what happened. I only block people who say rude is to me or are exceptionally rude in response to #QOTD posts.
1 month ago

The great thing about being an adult is you can choose what to do with your life. If you want to abide by how you were raised, you can. If you don't, you don't have to. You can choose to do what works for you. What matters is that you can look yourself in the mirror and be fine with your choices.
1 month ago

Your pastor has an... interesting definition of love. That's not one I subscribe too. I would think as a man of the cloth he would stick to Corinthians. And that doesn't say anything about bullets. Also re: the ex. You loved him. Cool. He's not the only man on Earth who you can love. There are other people out there who are a match for you, and that you're able to feel the same way about. You have to be open to the idea for it to happen though. Because you haven't met that person YET doesn't mean you never will.
1 month ago

To be fair, she didn't do that on her own. He's putting in time and who knows what he is telling her to make her believe that?
1 month ago

He ain't that into you. Sorry. If you want a date for V-Day, the other guy is the only option. My husband thinks V-day is a commercial holiday too, but there are roses sitting in the living room every year nonetheless.
1 month ago

Didn't this just happen? Take some time to process it. Angry and sad are normal given the circumstances, but instead of doing the most and getting revenge and making a further mess of your life, just sit down and cry or go work out or get around some friends. I get it: you are hurt. Hurt is not an excuse to wild out even if people do it all the time. You don't get better anytime soon making a bigger mess of the situation. Oh, and stop talking to your ex. That's step one. You're going all out over a man who has shown you doesn't give a damn.
1 month ago

Tell her that she needs to call her man and ask him. Being a friend doesn't mean playing detective for her or being in the middle of their relationship and you're not comfortable with what she's asking.
1 month ago

It's no different than meeting people in life. Everyone's a stranger until you get to know them. That said, I can't in good faith recommend you meet a man online or in life and go with him without getting to know him at all. It's just not safe.
1 month ago

They're supposed to be "likes". Sigh. I appreciate your patience while we tweak this section.
1 month ago

Call it a wrap. The dating phase is an opportunity to evaluate a partner to see if they are a good match. He's not your man and he's trying to tell you when and where to go... while he has ZERO claims on you? This only gets worse when you commit. Thank him for his time and tell him it's not working out.
1 month ago

If you want a BF? Thank him for his time and move on. He's holding something your father did against you-- which you can't do anything about -- and he has trust issues. He's not committing soon, if ever.
1 month ago

You can be alone with him wen he's no longer a stranger. At 2 weeks, you barely know this man and should not have him up in your house, or be up in his. The middle ground is to go to more cozy spots, a lounge or some such.
1 month ago

Take him to court to make sure you get money for your child. Not ideal, but relying on him to make his child a priority isn't working. And no, you don't marry a man who doesn't make his kid a priority. But you had to know this relationship was a wrap when you moved to a different state with the kid and didn't fell like you could rely on him to provide.
1 month ago

You put her in a really awkward position. Your BF became the third roommate and she wasn't consulted and was still expected to pay half instead of this. Should she have spoken up? Yes. But you also should ave been mindful of your roommate/best friend. Was she happy for you the baby? Maybe, maybe not. She may have resented the whole situation because of how uncomfortable she felt in her living space. This possibly could be fixed in time.
1 month ago

You were mad that you hadn't seen her in two months and she brought dude, and maybe that she's got a man and another man checking for her, and there isn't someone for you. And so you acted an ass on her. And yeah, I think she's right that what you did was sad, and you're jealous. You didn't throw her under the bus "in the moment". It was willful and international because you were mad and jealous. You were on some real "Being Mary Jane" that day. Send her a note of apology and leave her alone until you get yourself together, possibly with a therapist. It is NOT okay to go out in the world acting like that, especially not to people you allegedly care about.
1 month ago

1. Your sister has to stand up for herself. You doing it for her means nothing. Also, You don't HAVE to be in the middle. Tell those two grown people to figure out their own problems. 2. Her being mama means you shouldn't talk to her crazy. But at 33, you and your sis can go and come as you please. Your mom doesn't have any place to tell her when to be back in the house as it's not her house. 3. You, even as daughter, do have some rank, more than you recognize. It's YOUR house and you can dictate how people are to act in it. And you are well within rights to let sis and mom know that if they can't make peace, then they can go. (Having your own is often a headache, but it's worth it for moments like this.)
1 month ago

If you want actual dates, you're not going to get it with him. He's just told you that he's not doing it. So it's him or the dates? What's it going to be? Oh, and that "devalue" line is complete BS. Maybe he doesn't have the money or doesn't want to make the time, but it's not about regular dates devaluing special dates.
1 month ago

No. Because of her age.
1 month ago

We're good. Tell the other friends you're not trying to hear it and drop it. This isn't a scenario that should need a lot of explanation on why you don't want to go that route. But if you need to explain, feel free. The "What would you do is XYZ did that with your GF?" should work. Sometimes people can't fathom an idea until they have to imagine themselves in it.
1 month ago

How did the marks get on your neck? And what marks are they?
1 month ago

Have you talked to your husband about your concerns and laid out what you want? What did he say? Is he willing to work on things?
1 month ago

Nope. And hubs can have an opinion, but he really doesn't get a say. It's not his house.
1 month ago

You like him, so you're trying to rationalize and downplay what he did. It wasn't a "little white lie". It was blatant deception. If that's who you want to date despite that, so be it.
1 month ago

That's not how it works, like, "ooh! An anniversary, let's move in!" Do you ant to move in? Are you just trying to live together indefinitely or are you hoping this moves toward marriage? And if so, have you had a discussion with him about it? There are pros/cons to moving in (they are listed in "Don't Waste Your Pretty". One of the cons: you're signing up to play wife without being one/getting the benefits.
1 month ago

You have told me what you look like, and what you make, and what you own, but you have said nothing of WHO you are and what your personality is like. Is it possible that you lead with stuff and not personality and that's why you're not getting who you want?
1 month ago

That's between your husband and his people. You need to address that with him ONLY. This is a two-way street that he also participates in. The family calls and asks all the time because he answers, supplies, and engages. Also, while it's nice when you get along with your in-laws, you're not married to them, but to him. And it's not okay for them to disrespect you as the wife of their kin. He gotta check that. You also shouldn't be deterred in speaking up TO YOUR HUSBAND about what concerns you because of what they say.
1 month ago

Ask him to come another weekend.
1 month ago

Yes. He's private. And he put up a video that CLEARLY showed you were there. If he wanted to edit you out entirely, he would have. It is not imperative to share your private moments with friends or strangers for your relationship to have meaning. Choose your battles. And choose to let this one go.
1 month ago

Yes, you are wrong. He is everything you want in a man EXCEPT single. That matters. You say goodbye. He's in a relationship, lied by omission to you about said relationship, and is STILL in the relationship, and ain't going anywhere anytime soon, AND he lacks boundaries.
1 month ago

That should have happened naturally and before you were married. Im curious why you don't feel that you are? Who comes before you?
1 month ago

He'll catch if you throw, but he's not all that interested.
1 month ago

Boo... Hiss... I'm no fan of sideways insults. Say "you're pretty" and stop there. Whoever said that gets the boot from your life and contacts.
1 month ago

He either agrees to therapy/ anger management of you pack up and go with the kid. Sort the rest out later. It's not okay to stick around and be abused, verbally, emotionally, or physically. You've got to create a plan to get out. What do you need? Start with shelter, food, transportation, etc.
1 month ago

Unacceptable and will run any decent man off. You are the mother and certainly capable of evaluating a mate for yourself. Once you have selected one, it's fine to introduce them to your children with a warning of what they may try. You should also tell them to stop that is or they don't get an introduction.
1 month ago

Unfortunately, I can't help you. I'm not a thin girl, but I'm also not a plus-sized girl. I wear a size 10. I post some of the designers of my clothes on my second Instagram account: pretty_by_belle. Some of the dresses may come in plus-size. Also, two of my favorite fashion bloggers (there are several) are Gabby Fresh and Marie Leggette, and they are both proudly plus-size. You can get great tips on where to shop on their sites.
1 month ago

Your girl is not a wife. Expecting someone to hold you down while you're inside is for blood relatives and wives if they are up for it/ were involved in whatever happened. That is NOT a girlfriend duty. That said, while I don't agree with "bros before hos" (you got nerve coming to a woman's page calling women "hos") I don't think your boy gets another shot here. That's not just a lapse in judgment, that's some extraordinarily shady ish. He's shown you who he is, believe him and keep your distance.
1 month ago

I try. LOL.
1 month ago

Its' okay to be sad sometimes and to miss someone. You're not supposed to be happy all the time. Allow yourself to think about and miss him. (Just don't pick up the phone.) Also, figure out what you miss so much about him, and find that trait in someone you can get along better with.
1 month ago

I get in my petty too sometimes, so I get the desire. But I can't rightfully advise you to be messy. She may know you and about you, but she doesn't really owe you anything. The person who was supposed to do right by you was the person you were in a relationship with. If you're going to be upset, I hope you have as much animosity for him as the woman, even more. Don't deflect your anger onto her because it's easier.
1 month ago

This is a no go. He has a grudge that he's not letting go of. Either he's interested or he isn't. You shouldn't be jumping thru hoops to get chose or prove your worth.
1 month ago

Yes.
1 month ago

With all due respect, I'm not sure you need to be married yet. It's HIS CHILD. Yes, the child gets to comet the wedding. The child is your finance's immediate family. And if you haven't started to see this kid as becoming a member of YOUR family as you plan this wedding, I'm DEEPLY concerned about this union and your treatment of this child as his/her stepmother. Are you really aware or what you're signing up for?
1 month ago

If you want to keep , you do. And if you're pro-life and not planning for a child, you should use condoms or birth control. But that's more the people reading, than for you as what's done is done. I have a friend with a child from a very similar situation. The father of the child cuts a check and wants nothing to do with her or the child. The only thing you can force him to do is pay. He may or may not be involved in the child's life. You should be prepared for that, as best you can anyway.
1 month ago

Let your mama mind her business.
1 month ago

Thanks, that's super sweet. And I needed that today! *e-hugs*
1 month ago

It's fine. As long as she's not being exclusive with no commitment and she's not lying. I'm fine with it.
1 month ago

She's home. And about as well to be expected after something like that. She needs your prayers. Please keep sending them.
1 month ago

Focus on what keeps the long term peace. You're marrying into having her in your life. You don't need the unnecessary headache. This often doesn't come up because most exes/mother of child wouldn't want to be there anyway. It's your call to make, but allowing her to come is actually a small concession, and in case no one's told you, the reception is a whirlwind and you barely remember anything. (Plenty people told me this. I thought they were lying. It's true.)
1 month ago

Tell her "no". You no longer want to be involved. If she drops the friendship, she was only there to use you anyway.
1 month ago

There's nothing wrong with wanting a guy, or seeking a mate. But do understand a man isn't a trophy or an accolade, or an accomplishment. What else can you do? Travel, invest in your community, cultivate a hobby, have friends, invest in your family, invest in yourself, start a side business so you OWN something. The list is endless.
1 month ago

People who are actually great, don't brag/talk incessantly. It's not special. They just are. It's like how grown women with naturally big bootys rarely show them off. It's always been there-- at least since puberty-- what's the fuss?
1 month ago

Nah. She was doing too much. I'm curious about the nature of her relationship with her husband where she would feel this appropriate.
1 month ago

It's not just me! It's been a lil depressing around these parts lately. Plenty of questions, but some very sad. I'll try to answer more general questions for a bit.
1 month ago

Vegas, even on the strip, is a big place. I don't you and she have the same idea of fun/ places to hang out. And if you see her, she's partying like you, speak if you're decent, and keep it moving
1 month ago

Depends one the woman. I don't have an inherent mistrust of all single women. I used to be one, and not so long ago!!!
1 month ago

We're adults. If he's interested in a woman and she's sitting across from him one-on-one and he can't figure out to how to pull it together and move, he's not date-able. Sorry.
1 month ago

You have to choose between your man and your cat. It's that simple.
1 month ago

Say it plain: "I think you have some communication issues to work on. If you ever sort them out, give me call." Do understand, he's not calling.
1 month ago

1. Read "Don't Waste Your Pretty". I got you on how to date/ meet people. 2. What are you doing with your weekends? I get why you can't meet folk during the week. Also, online dating is your best option during the week, given your time commitments. Instead of being half hearted, try whole, and multiple sites. Everyone isn't going to be a hit. You just need a few across many platforms to get some options going. This is entirely possible.
1 month ago

By breaking up with the guy that treats you like crap. You already didn't think high of yourself when you agreed to be number 2. It got worse when you disrespected yourself for a man who didn't respect you and treated you accordingly. You have a fear of being alone. I get it. But alone is better than having half a man who treats you bad ALL of the time. You can do bad by yourself.
1 month ago

Rush. You barely know each other. You've taken yourself off the dating market for a man you don't know at all.
1 month ago

He has a new boo. This is over, he just hasn't said it yet.
1 month ago

It's a date, a very old-fashioned one. Not really mad at it. And no, not thirsty UNLESS you're not into the church and you're just fronting to get closer to him. But again, I'm no fan of dating where you work. If it works out, that's great. But the vast majority of people you date, it doesn't lead anywhere, much less the altar. There's way too much potential for failure and drama to be dealing with that on the job.
1 month ago

He's a friend with benefits. Like an actual one, not like euphemism for "jump off." Um. I don't know that this can be fixed. You started wrong with him. When you date a friend, you have to require him to date you-- like take you out and get to know you as a potential GF, not just chill on the couch and have sex. You can do a "Hail Mary" and tell him what you want (to be taken out and wooed) but you've already shown him that you don't require that. If he really likes you, he may make some effort.
1 month ago

I must be reading this wrong. You currently have an STD. You potentially could have exposed him to the STD. You did not tell him about the STD prior to sex. And you don't understand why he just broke up with you? Is there a different way that I should be understanding this question? Is there information missing? And like how did this other person know you had an STD? And if you knew you had it, why didn't you get it treated or tell him?
1 month ago

therapist.
1 month ago

So. This is the one exception to the rule about pursuing a guy. He can't really hit on you full and proper without putting his job at risk. He seems to have made it clear he is interested, give him your number the next time you're in the store.
1 month ago

To be noticed? Fine. To get a number? No.
1 month ago

You feel like you're being strung along because you are being strung along, and treated bad. He sounds emotionally abusive. Being with your partner isn't supposed to make you feel like sh--.
1 month ago

Pick up "Don't Waste Your Pretty".
1 month ago

Then let his wife write him letters. What business do you have writing to a man who isn't your husband? He got a wife. That's her man to worry about. Not yours. Be a "good person" with your husband.
1 month ago

A year ago I invited my high school ex to live with me to try it again. Big mistake...he verbally abuses me and makes me feel like crap. Always tells me I'm selfish and quit his job leaving me struggling with all the bills. We haven't seen eye to eye since I lost my job. What should I do Why did you ask a man to come with live you? Tell him to leave. And he won't, then you go.
1 month ago

Therapist. It goes without saying that you don't marry someone for the sex, or to prove people wrong. But you know this now, so no need to harp on that. The thing is, you're married. Not just dating, so bailing shouldn't be your first option. It sounds like you were BOTH really immature and reckless and didn't communicate. Now is as good a time as any to start. There's love there. You can build something for that. At least try to before you throw in the towel. It's been a mess. It doesn't have to stay that way.
1 month ago

Ok. These "he has a baby on the way" questions come up at least once a week. And for you and everyone else, let me give the final answer on this: NO!!!!! You are signing up for a mess to date a dude who has a kid on the way. His life is messy, your is about to become such by proximity. Now, you two were genuinely friends-- sort of. If he's no longer pining for you, continue the friendship, but do not begin dating this man.
1 month ago

He knows you're interested, he is not. You couldn't have been any more clear about your interest when you invited him out to celebrate. Move on.
1 month ago

A "little"?! No, just no. You poured your heart out to the man and he ignored you and didn't make time to see you. Now he's in a bind and needs some emotional support so he's coming to you worn thru and raggedy from a messy situation. Absolutely no!!!
1 month ago

That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. After two years, he's unsure if he wants to be with you and he wants to see other people. I respect his honesty. (And you don't figure out if you want to be with someone by leaving them. If it plays that way, fine. But that's not a strategy.) Telling you that before he heads to the club and with someone else in the house is just weird and rude. It's a MAJOR discussion that should have taken time. Not a quick 15 while someone else waits downstairs. The idea of you staying in the same house with a man you just broke up with while he pursues other women is nuts. And even if he wants it, YOU need to have enough sense to move. And you don't make that announcement, roll out with someone else, and have an epiphany at the club. He doesn't know what he wants. You need to move out and secure your own spot. If he wants to rebuild, then he needs to show you that he's dedicated to change. This whole scenario is profoundly immature on his part and shows a serious lack of respect for you and your feelings. He can't just take everything back as an "oops!"
1 month ago

Stop dating him. This goes no where. A job? Ok. That's fair. A house? Just to have a girlfriend? Huh? He's not all that interested, and too, you don't really require him to be a BF for him to get the benefits- emotional and physical. He hasn't made you his GF yet, and yet you do everything together like a couple. So why commit? You need to have a conversation that lays out what you want. If he can't be that, then you need to move on.
1 month ago

You shouldn't consider a relationship with him as you don't trust him. But when he does the phone thing, what do you do? Sit there? Call him on it, "Hey, why do you turn your phone around like that? Are you trying to hide something from me?"
1 month ago

You need to talk to a therapist to sort this out. I can't help you with a quick answer here about something of this magnitude. I will tell you that whatever you decide, you need to do it for yourself, and not what other people will think. I will also tell you that you will have some regrets no matter what you chose. The sooner you make peace with that, the better off you'll be. And finally, I will tell you that you in fact don't "know". If you did, you wouldn't be in such turmoil about what to do. How to do it? Maybe. But not about doing it. Like I said, therapist.
1 month ago

yes.
1 month ago

He's embarrassed that his in-laws know his business. And he's also deflecting. This isn't really a good sign when you're trying to patch things up. Talking to family is tricky. When you vent about the worst of your partner, it can change how the family feels about him and that can be very uncomfortable for him. Venting to a professional or someone he doesn't encounter regularly is better.
1 month ago

You can tell if he's NOT interested based on Vday. The actual level of genuine interest can't be gauged by what occurs on ONE day. Because he takes you out doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be your man soon or ever.
1 month ago

I spoke to her. Still in hospital. Physically ok.
1 month ago

The first time sex comes up in a conversation, ask about getting tested and suggest you do it together and exchange results. Do NOT ask right before sex. Yes, while still courting. If he's comfortable enough to talk about sex, he should be comfortable enough to talk about getting tested. He balks at getting tested, no send with you for him. Period.
1 month ago

Eh.. It's not like you're looking for crack. It's young. But if that's what you want, so be it. No great harm. But please look for other things too. Relationships are great, but there's more to life than just finding a partner.
1 month ago

Romance is the cherry on top of the sundae, not the actual sundae. And huh? It can only be romantic if it's a surprise? Where did you get that idea? A lot of people watch way too many movies/ read romance novels and think that bad communication that drives a storyline is how real life relationships are supposed to work. You can't get though a relationship expecting your partner to be a mind reader and refusing to ask for what you want, and then be upset when your expectations aren't met.
1 month ago

At the point he told you that your outlook was ridiculous, you should have stopped talking to him. You don't have to have sex to fall in love. He's entitled to ask what he wants. You have no obligation to answer. DWYP will lay a nice foundation for you about how to set your boundaries and navigate dating a little better.
1 month ago

Yes and yes.
1 month ago

I've heard it. Yes.
1 month ago

I'm unclear why of all the restaurants in town to pick he chose the one his ex frequents and her friend owns. That is quite suspicious.
1 month ago

Hanging out regularly is for committed people. He doesn't have to cash out, but he should find free or inexpensive options. Sitting on your sofa on a regular basis is not a date. I'm all for working with a man, but 5 months and no commitment, I'm unclear what he's giving YOU to work with.
1 month ago

Nope. Let them go work on that and get back to you.
1 month ago

Some want to keep the door open, others don't. Translation: some actually like you as a person and/or want to keep the possibility of sliding back in someday.
1 month ago

Every man you date isn't supposed to be your husband. Some people are just for fun. If you like him, hang out. I wouldn't suggest you ever commit to him. But it is ok just to enjoy a man's company and not want to be his girlfriend or wife.
1 month ago

If you live in the same city, he's not that interested and it sounds like he may be in a relationship. Your "relationship" is mostly texting and a once a month visit. He isn't seeing or calling because he's otherwise occupied and can't. Maybe lives with someone? Im so curious as to why you want to have sex with man who shows so very little interest. Like, he doesn't pick up the phone to SPEAK to you and he only makes time once a month. Surely, you can do better than this.
1 month ago

That's fair for this scenario. If you've been dating awhile and he drops the ball completely and doesn't acknowledge it at all, safe to say he's just passing time. Men are fully and completely aware of who serious women take VDay and when they care, they step and try something even if it's not always the right thing. But they TRY. And they try SOMETHING even if it's for someone they're not sure about yet, but they don't want the woman to drop them or be offended. That said, the guy has a somewhat fair out if you don't say anything about your expectations. So ask him if he's planning to do something for Vday with you. That way, it's on the table. If he bites? Great. If he doesn't? You got your answer about how interested he is, if at all, about you after 8 dates.
1 month ago

you and me both.
1 month ago

The family has opted to handle the entire situation with 16 "privately". So, unfortunately, no "outside" help beyond what is necessary is welcome.
1 month ago

Let's hope.
1 month ago

Maybe, maybe not. Part of it is variety. Part of it is getting out of the house. But there's a valid argument to be made of "you know I like it, and you won't even try it, soo..." It'll be one less night he's at the strip club if she does it.
1 month ago

Just for clarity, I fact-checked this. Previous posters, maybe you, shared a lot of family history that turned out to be accurate. I checked in with her mom before I responded. I'm devestated. Thank you for telling me.
1 month ago

The funny thing, unless this is an amazing coincidence, I heard this story from his side. Um, hon, you're doing way too much and you sound nuts doing all that research for a man you just started dating. You're dating. He can visit whoever he wants. He's single. If you're looking for a man with no attachments at all, he's dead or profoundly dysfunctional. He doesn't have a reason to completely dead his ex. He's single. And if she's long distance, only so much time can be spent with her.
1 month ago

Asking a question is not "pressuring" him. It's asking. These guys got folks out here scared to ask questions and that is scary!!! And yes, you will sound like you are expecting something because you are. There is nothing wrong with having them and there is something wrong with having them AND not saying anything. Say, "hey, was wondering if you had thought about Valentine's Day. I'm hoping you'll ask me out." See what he says.
1 month ago

Give that man some space and let him call you when he has something to say. You're breathing down his neck and he's not going to give you an answer until you back off. Breathe and go be busy.
1 month ago

That would be a good topic for you and the therapist.
1 month ago

You're gonna have to suck this one up. He went all while you dated him, and while he was your man and then your fiancé and for the last 8 years of marriage. You've told him how you feel, he still goes. This isn't changing. You don't think he's "unfaithful", you're jealous. I get it. But you can't win this battle. Drop it. I'll also ask, have you offerred to give a lap dance or strip for him? That may keep him out the strip club.
1 month ago

I have. Get a therapist. You can't fix this alone.
1 month ago

If you think it's BS, it probably is. And you're not stuck. You have the option to leave. If you want to stay, you can. But it's a choice you're making to do so. The child is on the way. You don't have to marry him just because you're pregnant. And if you can't trust him, perhaps he'll make a better co-parent than a husband.
1 month ago

Can't call whether the guy will do anything or not, but if you want to guarantee a v-day date, go with the guy who already asked
1 month ago

Nice. He got a wake up call. Let's hope his actions back up his words moving forward.
1 month ago

You probably need to part ways for a bit. The friendship can be repaired, but it's hard to be friends with someone when you're basically pining for them all the time. Tell him you need some space to get your head together, go figure yourself out, and come back later.
1 month ago

It's normal to feel alone after a move. That comes with the territoy. What are you doing to make friends? Are you seeing a professional for the anxiety? You should. Creating a community and addressing the anxiety should take care of the weight (it's likely a symptom of the anxiety). But if you can't control the emotional eating right now, balance it out with the gym until you get the inside issues under control.
1 month ago

There's no middle ground here. Are willing to share him with another woman or not? He's not asking for a every once and awhile threesome. He wants a full fledged relationship, and he wants you to have a relationship with her as well. If you're not down for a third partner, then this is a wrap.
1 month ago

Gotta ask why this is a major problem. She doesn't go out.. and? If she's in a slump, try to cheer her up by suggesting you both go out and do something. If this has been ongoing, get her professional help. Oh, and have you helped her look for a new job?
1 month ago

Ask her. I know it's sounds silly. But if you're this concerned about whether you're doing the wrong thing, ask. I'm with you. A decade later for what was likely an insignificant relationship overall should be clear. But folks aren't always logical when it comes to their exes. If you can't ask, he's a no-go.
1 month ago

Tell the father flat-out that you're not interested and find his advances to be very inappropriate. After that, you can block him from contacting you on social media. It's probably weird for you because as a kid he was an elder you had to respect. Ya'll both grown and he's treating you like a man trying to holler at a WOMAN. You don't have to play the respectful child role, and if you have to be harassed by your friend's dad to secure her friendship, then maybe this is a friendship you don't need. That said, I would shut dad down and still TRY to pursue the friendship. If the father becomes an issue, then he does and that call can be made then.
1 month ago

Get a therapist and see if you both can get to the underlying issue. Something's wrong. Get professional help to see if you BOTH can make it right. It's sex. It's a WE issue that you BOTH have to work on.
1 month ago

Clean more and enlist his help more often, and/or hire a cleaning lady. And make a greater effort to dress sexy. Before you just say "Eff it!" because you're offended, try to work on it and see what happens. If he moves on to something else, which shows they're an underlying issue, then you need to address the issue. At this juncture, you don't know if there's more to it.
1 month ago

Because he talks about it a lot? eh... can't call it. Is there other reason to think he's up to something. I would ask where is this coming from and why it's on his mind so often. Is someone he knows in a situation so this is on his mind? Or he doing it and trying to cover? I wouldn't move on it, but I'd keep an eye open.
1 month ago

they may or may not. but they are the only ones who can really solve it. if there's a beef that's over him or includes him, your word doesn't mean much. He has to set the tone for how other people engage with you. The same goes if there's a friend on your end who gets out of pocket about your partner. You have to set the other person straight as they're from your "team".
1 month ago

friend was out of line, and shouldn't have been commenting on your relationship. you don't have to defend the decisions you make in your marriage to anyone.
1 month ago

You tell me you moved 3 hours away, I still won't get why he wouldn't see you when he's around your way. You moved 30 minutes. That's not considered far to most people. Sounds like he is all talk and his words and actions don't match up too well. I will add this: serious people act like they're serious.
1 month ago

So, Valentine's Day is approaching. I have been dating this guy for a month. Is it expected that I get him a gift? No. But you should have a conversation about what, if anything, you two are doing for V-Day. Just so everyone knows where everyone else stands.
1 month ago

Is there some backstory here that you haven't shared? Marriages have conflicts of all kinds. Unless there's abuse, divorce shouldn't the be the go-to option. If you're at a crossroads, perhaps therapy first?
1 month ago

He is who he is, an YOU are dating him, not anyone else. So. If YOU can accept him as is, that's great. And if YOU can't accept him, accept that and move on.
1 month ago

He's insane.
1 month ago

Say "bye."
1 month ago

What do you want to do here? YOU have to make a decision.
1 month ago

There's a chapter on virginty/celibacy in "Don't Waste Your Pretty." That said, as long as you walk around feeling like damaged goods, you will be treated like damaged goods. Change the way you think of yourself. If you don't accept you as is, why should anyone else do it?
1 month ago

Show up to the events for the friends that are not inviting him out of solidarity. Explain to the others what's going on. Don't ask them to choose, but just be honest about how you feel and tell them you're going to fall back for a bit. They're your friends. You should be able to be transparent with them. In the meantime, go somewhere and lick your wounds. Yes, your ex was mean. He's not entitled to care now, and certainly won't if he didn't when he was supposed to. You're going to have to accept what happened, forgive him AND YOURSELF, and move on.
1 month ago

Um... why do you have to explain in to them, and why do you care? The one person who you need on board is on it. Everyone else's opinion this is irrelevant. They don't like it? That's nice. They're not married to you.
1 month ago

I'm with BFF. You want him to pretty it up and pretend it's something that it isn't. He made it clear what his attentions are: not to get to know you, not to spend time, to have sex. In and out, get up and leave. He's not playing in a grey area with you. What you really want is to date someone, have the possibility of it going somewhere and have sex while ya'll figure that out. That's not what dude you picked is offering. If that's not what you want, pass on the offer.
1 month ago

Chin up, hon. You're in the worst of it right now. But you WILL be okay. *ehugs*
1 month ago

Um.. you sure this is your BF? Cause he doesn't act like it all. Barely sees you, but comes to your part of the city and doesn't call/stop by? Um... this doesn't bode well for you. He's not showing much interest.
1 month ago

Speak to him about it and tell him you don't like it. He can talk to her. It means nothing coming from you. And no, you're not overreacting.
1 month ago

Ask him, "are we doing anything for Valentine's Day?"
1 month ago

Stop dating CF. He doesn't want to commit, you think about marriage with him and think of how much you'll probably regret it, and when you do him you think of someone else. WHY ARE YOU THERE? You have history? And?
1 month ago

You're asking me if you should stay with a man who lies to you about basic ish and whose life is not together? Um. No, no you should not stay.
1 month ago

Yes. Look, I get it. You want to be a better Christian. I respect that. But you're also changing the rules of a relationship mid-game. It's a MAJOR decision and you're not making it with your partner or for the relationship. You've made a unilateral move about a BIG part of a relationship. It's your body to what you want with. That said, you're being naive about the consequences of your decision. Should your partner cheat if he's not down with it? No. But he should leave so he can go find what he wants. Curious: ya'll have been together 4 years, and have a child. Why is marriage not on the table so that sex is ordained by God?
1 month ago

Nope. Expecting you to welcome a woman who hit him with an ultimatum over you into your home is ludicrous.
1 month ago

To answer your question: Leave. I gotta add, I am SOOOOO confused as to what you expected to happen here. He cheated on someone else he was in a relationship with for a year with you. What suddenly changed about his morals that he wouldn't do that to you. He didn't even feel bad or just want to be with you. You got him because his ex left him. That's a default win. So yes, I get why you're insecure. You should be. And you should go.
1 month ago

I can't be mad at the man for wanting his kids to have a relationship with their mother, even if she's AWOL most of the time. That said, if you feel like he sees you as not enough for him after 7 years -- and no ring--, and you don't think he treats you as well as he did his ex, this isn't going anywhere healthy. But you know this already. You didn't need me to confirm it. Don't doubt what you KNOW.
1 month ago

You can't compete here. He's still completely and totally into her even though she's married. And it sounds like they are still in a relationship, despite her marriage and his relationship with you.
1 month ago

You've had a long relationship, but you're also both incredibly young and I completely understand why he is hesitant to get married at this age/time. If this is who you want to be with, then you'll need to be patient and see how things go. If you want to be married sooner than later, he isn't it. Also, if you no longer want to have sex because you want to be "right with God" then you need to tell your BF that. It's your body and you have the final say on what you do with it or not. That said, do understand that you will be removing a part of the relationship that you have both enjoyed and your BF may not willing to stay in the relationship anymore. Just as you have a right to your choices, so does he.
1 month ago

You need to get your person affairs in order before you begin dating again. The fact is, you're still married, and even if you have no relationship with your husband, you've got some mess that you need to focus on and clean up if you want anyone of worth to take you seriously. But to answer your question: you tell them on the first date. Give folks a choice as to whether they want to get involved in your life at this stage.
1 month ago

no, you don't. what did you husband say when you spoke to him about it, assuming that you have spoken to him. (I hope you have.)
1 month ago

Maybe he was calling in December to tell you about the wife and kid. Maybe not. But to answer your question: yes. I get it you were together for 11 years. You're focusing on the "11 years." But I'm focusing on on the "were together." It's over, hon. You have to move on.
1 month ago

He's not obligated to tell you anything. You two are no longer in a relationship. That he hasn't told you should tell you something about the nature of your relationship with him -- not a close was you think. Also, he has no business talking to you. You're an ex who still isn't over him and he's married and has moved on. Issues or not, he married the lady and had a child with her.
1 month ago

Yes. It's one thing for him to be hard working and have ambitions and not reach it. It's another thing for him not to try or care. You're trying to "work with him." Be careful you don't get dragged down in the process.
1 month ago

Your former relationship doesn't sound at all healthy. You broke up because of a mind game and through the relationship, you were "super competitive" with your mate, AND communication was bad. Are you sure you wan to go back to this? Or are you just lonely? You can ask him to meet you. There's nothing you can do to make him agree to.
1 month ago

divorce.
1 month ago

Have none of your friends ever been in a relationship? This is astoundingly normal. Tell them that you're still in a funk since the break up and not back to normal yet. You'll give them a call when you're feeling better.
1 month ago

yes.
1 month ago

it shouldn't. why would you act like a wife when you don't want the position and you're not getting the benefits of it?
1 month ago

No. He's offering nothing. You want a relationship, he doesn't. Tell him to call when/if he's ready. He'll be working on focusing on making you happy for an eternity if you SETTLE for this.
1 month ago

Lessen? Stop talking to him all together. He's in a relationship. He's not available. Who cares what he thinks? Tell him that you've had a change of heart, you deal with men in relationships and you're not going to speak to him anymore. Wish him well with his lady and be done.
1 month ago

Do you like it when people fade to black on you? Then don't do it to others. It's a conversation: "Hey, I moved. Have a great life."
1 month ago

Not at all. He's not communicating. I'm baffled as to how he expects to have a relationship with someone he refuses to communicate with. You have to put it to him plain: this doesn't work if you don't talk to me/ let me in.
1 month ago

You've been dating for 2 months and she tells you that she doesn't want deal with you for an entire month. She's very uninterested. Respect her wishes and cut your losses.
1 month ago

His kids live there— not him. The problem isn't seeing the kids. It's hanging out at the ex's house to do so. Surely, there are other places where they can spend time together. I do think she's right.
1 month ago

yes.
1 month ago

Huh? I'm confused how you got this far in the relationship thinking this. You dated him, got in a relationship with him, and agreed to marry him all the while thinking that he settled for you? Why? And reading your letter, it doesn't seem like you've ever had a conversation with your finance about this and you've given not example of why you think this, other than he blew you off at first, which there could be a million reasons for, the most obvious being you're his sister's homie and he didn't want the headache or to cause drama if he wasn't trying tho be serious about you. Based on your letter, this sounds like it's in your head and this is a self-etseem issue.
1 month ago

Order online :-) Amazon.com, BN.com
1 month ago

Tell him that and ask how he feels.
1 month ago

You're looking for closure from a man who lies and cheats. Why are you giving him so much power? Find your own closure with yourself. He can't really do anything for you.
1 month ago

Why are you contemplating "what if" with a man in a relationship?
1 month ago

Forgive yourself. You made a mistake in believing him. Learn something from this experience (like going by a guy's actions, not words) so it's not in vain.
1 month ago

Just listen. Also, she's not obligated to tell you what goes on in her relationship. If she does? Great. If she doesn't? Great. Unfortunate that they are having problems, but if she hasn't asked what you think, then she just wants a listening ear.
1 month ago

Sorry about that. I have back story that's not available to ya'll. She asked this on Ask.FM a couple weeks ago and the guy was described as her BF. You are absolutely right that if he was "just" a guy she was dating that the lying would be a problem, but not the fidelity.
1 month ago

Pull them aside individually and explain that you really don't like it and how it makes you feel. Sometimes friends are a--holes and don't really mean to be because they don't get how much something bothers you.
1 month ago

"Be well" is a the classiest way ever of saying "f--- you."
1 month ago

So.. You tell me you're a virgin for religious reasons? Great. But because you hate your body? HONEY! Life is too short. It's your body. You have to love it before you can expect anyone else to. And if you don't love how it looks, you've got to move it to get to look like what's more in line with your vision. Also, you do understand that he knows what you look like, because he's been looking at you. If he's around, he's attracted to what he sees. You've got to get out of your own head. Have you considered talking to a therapist? I'm concerned that how you feel about your appearance has kept you from having sex all these years.
1 month ago

Just end it. Abruptly. I know you're pissed, and while it's not very life coach-y of me to point this out, it's the best way to screw with someone's ego. It's also the cleanest break to make with someone is going to cheat with someone else when he lives a couple doors down.
1 month ago

I'm unclear why you are "faithful" to a man that you are not in a relationship with, especially a man who lives in another country. You're doing all the things a long distance GF does, so you might as well bring it up now, and not wait. You're feelings will be really hurt, if you act like you're in a relationship for another two months and gets back and says he just wants to be friends. How do you bring it up?: "So.. I've been thinking..." Then spill what's on your mind.
1 month ago

He lost interest. He's completely occupied his life and left you out of it. Why are you still calling him your BF, babes? (Genuine question.) You can do so much better than this?
1 month ago

Yes. The man told you every which way he could that he wasn't in the head space to commit. And I'm unclear why you want to progress with a man who is putting in little effort and has no time for you.
1 month ago

He's not interested. He'll catch if you're throwing, but in general? Nope. Not concerned. Hence, why he doesn't call or even text.
1 month ago

There's a chapter in "Don't Waste Your Pretty" about keep LDRs fresh. :-)
1 month ago

You know that number was a marketing campaign by the diamond industry, right? You spend what you can afford, no more.
1 month ago

He's not going to marry you whether you have a threesome or not. He'll either marry you or he won't. Once it gets down to irrelevant ish like "if you give me a threesome, I'll put a ring on it", he's showing he's profoundly immature and uninterested in marriage. Sorry. Oh, and you should never be pressured into having sex that you don't want to have.
1 month ago

Babes-- if he you were his one, you would be "the one". Not his wife. This may be the feelings of love, but no one here is acting like it, except maybe the wife who doesn't know what's going on. Both of ya'll are being mad shady. You want him? Let him come to you free and clear to be with you, not sneaking around. And even then, I'm not sure if that's who you really want. He stood up in a room and took vows before God to his wife. If he does her dirty and she's his wife? How much better do you honestly expect him to do by you?
1 month ago

I wouldn't. He complains too much and it sounds like you have grossly different perspectives on money. But the negativity alone would drive me nuts.
1 month ago

He sounds like he's still being controlling more than anything. You broke up with him. He's not respecting your wishes or leaving you alone. I'm concerned for your safety. You should be too.
1 month ago

You have to make some effort. This is always such a weird question to me. We all seem to get that to achieve everything else in life it requires some strategy and effort, but for a relationship, which is really important to most people, people wonder if they should put any energy into it.
1 month ago

Point out to him that things have been going well, there's lots of talk , but you're looking for action. Ask if there's something standing in his way, and if so what? Something he wants to accomplish? A man whose genuinely wants to marry you anytime soon, has been spending some time thinking about it. And no, you'r'e not being unreasonable.
1 month ago

I wouldn't unless she asked. And if she did, I'd tell her to "you know he's in a relationship, right? If he cheats his current lady, why do you think he won't do it to you if he was ever your man?"
1 month ago

The relationship is unbalanced, he's bad with money, and you don't enjoy sex. That's three red flags. He's not marriage material.
1 month ago

Not unless he's willing to work on his communication skills and he shows significant progress. Communication is one of those traits you HAVE to have for a healthy relationship. Without it, you're living in chaos.
1 month ago

That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. Are you two even dating? In a relationship? Has a offered a ring? (Cause you don't pick up an readjust your whole life for a BF.) I can't tell from your question whether you've even seen each other in the last 22 years. A visit isn't enough? What is the status, if any of this relationship? Do you even know him NOW? 22 years is a long time. Who is NOW?
1 month ago

You're still very angry with him. But the outlet you're seeking to address you're anger isn't going to help you. YOU have to deal with YOUR ish. If he treated you bad it's because he fundamentally doesn't care all that much about you. You can lay him out about it, but he still won't care and may not even get it then. How will he know? Why do you care? That's not your job. You're job is to make YOU a better person, not him. You're his ex, not his mom. You gotta let him go, cause you have not yet.
1 month ago

If you're not comfortable, say something. He wouldn't think twice about saving something if he was uncomfortable with a male friend of yours. Go in with an idea of what you want to see change. Just being uncomfortable with an action plan of what you want him to do about it is pointless.
1 month ago

So here's the thing, you freaking out and walking off your man and having such an extreme reaction to your ex made it look like you still have feelings for him. Do you? Cause your reaction was a lot. Maybe the ex came there to see you, maybe not. Whatever you do, don't contact him. Your relationship will be in serious jeopardy if that happens. You need to be on your Ps & Qs with your man for awhile until this dies down.
1 month ago

There's nothing wrong with it, per se. But it may be hard to show interest to both. One may see you flirting with another and think, "oh, she's here with him so I don't have a shot."
1 month ago

You said this in an Earlier response "Because if you criticized him, and now he's trying, and now you're "meh" on him, he's not going to be around very long. " im struggling with this. How do I become receptive but still stand my ground about not feeling previous behavior ? Let it go and forgive him. You've chose to still deal with him, he's working on making the situation better. Holding grudge doesn't resolve the issue or move the relationship forward.
1 month ago

Yes! They're the worst. If this is how he makes you feel, why are you dating him? And if you're going to keep seeing him, have you pointed out that this behavior if off-putting?
1 month ago

If you don't want to hear from him, say that and be done. Sending a long letter about your feelings doesn't exactly send the message of "leave me alone." Also, it doesnt make sense to emotionally engage someone who brings out the worst in you. Surely, you can find a better way to hold yourself accountable, yes?
1 month ago

Have a conversation with him about your interest. This is signigicantly easier as you know he's interested. You're not shooting on the dark.
1 month ago

Perfect!
1 month ago

That's a good idea. Thanks! Ask.fm was my second Q&A; site. The first one was almost 30k questions.
1 month ago

Sorry. You can read "Don't Waste Your Pretty" if you'd like to review the highlights of old questions. There also a couple hundred here with more to come.
1 month ago

Depends on the man, and his age. That said, when it comes to this stop worrying about what men want and accept yourself as you are. If your virginity is important to you? Then you should stay a virgin until you're ready to have sex. And if you think you're somehow "less than" because you've had sex? Your worth hasn't changed.
1 month ago

She's cool, but he's likely never claiming her. She ahoukdnhave figured that out when she realized he had a lady.
1 month ago

Have you read "don't waste your pretty?" Plenty of advice on how to meet people, how not to fall into the friend zone and get a commitment.
1 month ago

Just FYI- in general, I don't answer direct questions about my husband or his family. He doesn't like it, and I respect his wishes. But to answer: no. Many, if not, most cultures have a "stick with your own kind" philosophy. Our families share a similar philosophy of who you date/marry is your business.
1 month ago

It's not really closure when you re-open the door. You're still looking for him to validate your feelings. If he didn't do it when you were together, why, when the stakes are much less, do you expect him to do so now?
1 month ago

Then you're all clear. Have fun!
1 month ago

Flirt with him. I just explained the details of this to a woman who wants to meet a guy who lives in her building. Scroll down. This is also all (in further detail) in "Don't Waste Your Pretty."
1 month ago

This is a good problem! Which one is the best overall and has the MOST traits that are in sync with what you are looking for in a mate? There's always one that stands out.
1 month ago

1. He kept downplaying it and wouldn't give you the info. 2. You are't responsible for figuring out what you directly asked and he chose not to share. It he told you where he was, and you had some free time, it would have been nice to stop by. It's a nice gesture for someone you're building with. But as he's told you that he's not trying to build, an you're not really friends, it's unreasonable for him to expect you to show up like you're his lady, and it's doubly unreasonable to try to guilt you about it. 3. I don't like the head games his plays with you.
1 month ago

You're both wrong. I get it, you got a promotion, you have a kid, you're busy. But men who don't feel appreciated, or worst feel ignored, don't stick around. A man is not everything. However, if you want this man to stick around, you need to treat him like you want him and he matters. As for him, his feeling are hurt and he's on some passive aggressive BS/ he's thinking about bailing/ losing interest/he has bailed. Last thing: all day/ everyday is a ridiculous expectation for adults. If that's what requires to feel like you are attentive, he needs a hobby, and you need to move on.
1 month ago

Why is this your business. You don't have to like her man. That is not a requirement. Maybe he's horrible like you say. Maybe he beats her. I understand why you would be worried for someone you care about, but it is absolutely pointless if they don't want to do anything about it. If you MUST speak your piece? Ask her if you can speak freely, express concern, and say what you feel. Ask her what she thinks? She agrees? Great. She doesn't? Still great. Either way, you're out of it.
1 month ago

Flirt with him? Smile, make small talk. What part of France are you from? Where did you live before here? Pay him a compliment: "I like your..." He will catch on and carry it from there if he's remotely interested. ONE BIG THING: If things go sour with him, you will sometimes run into him in your building/where you live and perhaps while you/he are dating other people. Are you okay with that?
1 month ago

I mean, like you, I think he's way too old. But she is also an adult and can date who she wants. I'm unclear why her dating choice should affect her friendship. I mean, like how does this affect you? If you don't like her old man, don't be around her old man. You're not dating him.
1 month ago

:-)
1 month ago

*does happy dance* Now, go buy "Don't Waste Your Pretty" so you can learn about everything else, and keep my lights on :-)
1 month ago

In general, men's expectation of a honeymoon are sex, drank, sex, sleep, sex, do something, sex. Repeat. The more sex had, the more successful he considers the honeymoon. Just an FYI, because I would have thought something was wrong if no one told me. Weddings stress you the entire f--- out. If you are over your spouse or argue on your honeymoon, it's completely normal.
1 month ago

My ex & I broke up 4mo ago. After that I relocated for new job, in a new city and life was looking up. I had a lapse in judgement & msgd him last night. We talked for hours & I thought after talking I would be able to go back to my life, but I'm starting to feel the emotional turmoil I felt after we broke up. How do I stop this? I regret it now b/c I was doing well. There's no emotion emergency break. You can't just stop how you feel unless you're a sociopath or some such. Figure out whey you're so upset, get to the bottom of it. THEN You can actually do something about it. Also, it's been a day. You're not Superwoman. This "turmoil" is EXACTLY what happens when you have long, late-night convos with people you still care about. I'm unclear why you expected anything else. Don't worry. You're being normal.
1 month ago

Could be ego. Could also ben a case of too little too late. You're going to have to sit and evaluate if you want to be in this relationship. Because if you criticized him, and now he's trying, and now you're "meh" on him, he's not going to be around very long.
1 month ago

DEFINITELY.
1 month ago

No one man should have all that power. Stop allowing him to define you. So he didn't think you're good enough. And? Why are YOU GIVING him the final say on your worth? I'm unclear. Also, it's okay to miss him. I'm sure he had some great qualities. You do know that you can find them in someone else, right? RIGHT?
1 month ago

You're understandably upset. No one likes to be ambushed. But you can't just completely bail on the family that you're about to MARRY into. They'll be involved in the wedding, and you know, the marriage that begins this fall. Have your GF talk to them about how you feel, and tell them it's not okay to ambush you. Maybe as uncomfy as it is, she can play moderator for you to speak to the family. TRY to work it out. If they're unreasonable, after that you can show up ONLY for the absolutely necessary events. It's unreasonable for you to subject yourself to people who don't respect you and/or treat you poorly.
1 month ago

Cut your losses. Maybe down the line when romantic feelings are no longer involved, you can actually be friends. But as of right now? No. And for exactly the reasons you listed. You'll never move on sitting in someone's face pining for them as they talk about their new boo.
1 month ago

That and just a fundamental lack of respect for boundaries.
1 month ago

Genuinely interested men act interested. That's how it goes. I get why wanting to immediately hop in a relationship is a turn-off. Thank them for their interest, tell them that you enjoy their company and want to get to know them better. If they're actually interested-- they will stick around.
1 month ago

RE: Jumpoff. True..but he didn't tell me he was going out til after I trekked to BK to see him. Had I known that, I would've turned around and left. He decidede to go out when I was en route to his place. I concede that he should have told you what was up before he left the house. Take his telling you on the way, asking you to leave, and then not calling to see if you got home safe for what it is: a lack of consideration.
1 month ago

It's doing too much for a guy that hasn't done to for you. Let him put some effort in before you jump on a plane. Be easy. Oh, I just assumed you were going to have sex with him flying out for his bday. That's my bad. Yeah, stay put. No man's idea of a great milestone birthday is hanging out with a woman he likes who has no intentions of having sex with him though he assumed she would as she flew halfway across the country. If you're not having sex, DEFINITELY stay put.
1 month ago

Nope.
1 month ago

Has he been to visit you already?
1 month ago

I know you wanna go, but I just can't say "yes" to this if you want a relationship. You want an adventure and that's it? Go. You want more? Stay in NYC and let him get his money together to come to you.
1 month ago

Apologize. The "me" day isn't the problem, talking to your BF like you take him for granted and he doesn't mean much to you is. And you need to have a conversation with him about your expectations for the relationship because it's clear you are getting annoyed and you're beginning to act out.
1 month ago

Translation: I want you, but I don't want to do any work to get you.
1 month ago

anything's possible. But in general, no.
1 month ago

It is. It's not the most important thing.
1 month ago

At the risk of sounding redundant, read "Don't Waste Your Pretty." I will add that yes, most dating/ in a relationship adults want to have sex. That is normal and fine. You need to keep looking until you find someone who shares your outlook/values, or at the very least is willing to wait. The how you find that person is what DWYP is for.
1 month ago

If you want to know for absolute clarity if he had sex with another man, then ask. But my usual understanding of "fling" is that there is sex involved unless otherwise stated. You should ask anyone you plan on having sex with to get tested before you have sex with them. and lastly, for clarity, you're going to continue to date a man that slept with men/ wants to sleep with men?
1 month ago

You have two options that will work: 1) they ask you what you think, and you can speak freely; 2) they don't ask and you ask them, "may i speak freely?" If they say yes, you say that you are concerned, want the best for them, and then say what you have observed. Wrap it up with, "so what do you think about that?"
1 month ago

Sex isn't guaranteed to mean anything. At the point that he called you over, and told you he had to go out later, he was trying to manage your expectations and preparing you to leave after. He sees you as a jump off.
1 month ago

don't trust him, and don't date him. and honestly, don't even befriend him. I had one of those friends that lied and lied and lied. And I overlooked it because he had other personality traits that were endearing. But along with the lying, eventially came a lot of other dark traits. Cut your losses early.
1 month ago

You are treating him like a child, but he's also spending like one. But you gotta address the underlying problem or this is going to turn into him acting out because of resentment. Have you considered taking a money management class together? Everyone wasn't taught how to spend/save money and make it work for them. Hubs may be one of those people.
1 month ago

He may not have thought you were awake, or maybe he just wanted to have an orgasm without all the extra involved. The not so talked about benefit of masturbation is its okay to be selfish and focus on only your pleasure. f he does this every now and again, let him be. If this is a usual pattern, address it.
1 month ago

Read "Don't Waste Your Pretty". There's TONS of advice for the woman who is new to dating or just getting back on the scene.
1 month ago

That's what you're supposed to do. Have you read "Don't Waste Your Pretty?" There's an entire chapter on where/how to meet people.
1 month ago

Be honest with her that it makes you not want to be around her because she does that, and it makes you feel bad. If she still won't stop, deal or distance yourself. You're not obligated to be around people who make you feel bad, including your own mother. She may stop once she realizes she's losing access to you. As annoying as she is, it comes from a place of care-- sort of. (It's really about what she wants, not you. But she likely genuinely thinks that a baby would make your life complete/make you happy.) I say this as someone whose parents used to harp on a particular subject that made me feel awful. I didn't go home for a year -- despite it being a train ride away. They eventually realized "We've pushed her away!" and then stopped. You have to teach people how to treat you, even parents. Tell her what you want her to know about your dating life, if anything.
1 month ago

The gay porn mags were just one example out of several red flags she ignored. In context, it mattered a lot. Perhaps I should have explained better. I'll take that. Her book is available on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/On-Up-Survival-Guide-Living/dp/B001PIHVTE I've also said that while the porn may just be fantasy, it's worth asking about.
1 month ago

All the questions are new. I may pull from the unanswered questions on the old site at some point. It depends on well this transition goes.
1 month ago

yes.
1 month ago

I'm confused. You've just accused him of "continuous lying & disrespect." And he hasn't called you in a month. Why do you want to be with him again? It's over. You gotta accept that.
1 month ago

no. he had sex with another woman, more than likely didn't use a condom if he's bringing an STI back, and put your health at risk. Love you too, boo.
1 month ago

You're 31. Why are you defining the next 50-60 years of your life based on what's happened by 31? I don't get it. You know when I met my husband? 30 pushing 31. You know when my first book came out? 31. You know when I started my own business? 32. C'mon, hon. You ain't dead yet. All that said, if you have a fundamental distrust of men, you need to see a therapist and work that out. Some of em ain't ish. Some are great. Most fall in the middle. Also, if you don't think you will meet anyone, you never will. That "woe is me, men are horrid" is a defense mechanism to protect your hurt, but it also scares men away. No one sane wants to deal with that.
1 month ago

Yeah.. welcome to your first year in New York. You have to try a whole lot harder here than anywhere else. You should begin for looking for activities, and groups and go out-- yes, even alone-- so you can meet people. Nothing falls in your lap here. And going from work to home isn't going to get you the life that you want. Look to the right under, "Belle's Faves". Read Empire State of Mind. Oh, and read "Don't Waste Your Pretty". It'll help your dating life. You'll be fine by the time you hit 18 months and this story will be funny to you.
1 month ago

And you are. Moving on isn't a discussion. Make your plans to be done and inform in once you've set everything up. He's guilting you. If he was so concerned about his family, eh would treat the mother of his child better. This only gets better when you DO something about it, and stop allowing him to treat you bad.
1 month ago

Read "Don't Waste Your Pretty". It addresses everything you've mentioned in your query.
1 month ago

Hon, you don't have him for him to leave you. You're trying to hold on to a man that doesn't want to be there. That's why after 2 YEARS he hasn't committed and he's not carrying on with another woman, who's is probably hasn't been just a friend all along. You have to do better for yourself. You've committed yourself to a man who won't commit to you. You have to examine why you've done this.
1 month ago

He's emotionally abusive, hon. He puts you down and makes you feel bad. That is not okay. You can't continue to accept this. It just gets worse. He either goes to therapy or seeks professional help or you leave. That's it.
1 month ago

I am not interested. Thanks. Be well. You have to say "be well". That's the ultimate send off.
1 month ago

No. He's just not interested and enjoys making you jump through hoops. It's a game to him. The work thing is just bravado and ego. He doesn't want anyone else to have you, but he's made it clear that he's not interested. That said, if you continue to throw yourself at him, he'll catch when he feels like it.
1 month ago

So here's the thing. I know you care. And you should. But there's nothing you can really do until she believes she deserves better. Can you get her involved in something that will expand her circle or introduce her to strong women she might look up to? As long as she has low self-esteem, she's going to continue with this guy or a guy just like him.
1 month ago

He's not going to marry you anytime remotely soon, and actually he may not be around as your BF much longer. Sorry.
1 month ago

Let him go. He's irresponsible and immature. 5 jobs in about 16 months is excessive and points to a severe problem with his work ethic. Yes, I know you love him. But look at who you are loving.
1 month ago

you don't really want to do it. I can tell because of the part you wrote about the "right to be selfish about my man." You're not obligated to do anything you're uncomfortable with. And asking for/doing a threesome is a LOT. If he's not allowed intercourse with the other woman, there's no point. The core purpose of a threesome is to get to have sex with two people.
1 month ago

I do think it's best. You need some separation of worlds. re the exes: depends on the nature of the relationship and the level of interaction. i'm friends with distant exes from college and such. Neither of us are inappropriate. recent exes, i don't interact with or follow. if there's in appropriate interaction from either party, it needs to stop. and just for peace's sake, it's probably best not to follow them once committed.
1 month ago

Asking her to ignore her studies is obviously too much, I agree. But the friends and texts? for 30 minutes? This is a fair ask. That she'd rather text and talk with her friends than spend time with you indicates a lot -- a not good lot-- about how she feels about the relationship. Sorry.
1 month ago

No. You barely know him. Why would you be alone with him at your home or his? If you're actually up for it, tell him that's something that you'd be willing to do when you get to know him better.
1 month ago

People often see signs that something is wrong, but they hope for the best and they want to believe in the best version of their partner. Years ago, there was a book by JL King about living on the "Down Low". He wrote that his wife never suspected anything. His wife wrote a book of her own (since she had been thrown into the national conversation via him). She'd found gay porn magazines among his personal stuff, and stayed long after that. That was a huge red flag, she didn't want to believe what she knew. She didn't even ask about it, I don't think.
1 month ago

When you don't share the same religion AND you're both adamant about your respective religion, it's extraordinarily difficult to navigate. Is he willing to abide by the rules of your religion? Ar you willing to compromise on anything for him? If not, this just doesn't work. And it's REALLY difficult to compromise core belief systems. If you think blood transfusions are an affront to God, there's really no negotiating around that.
1 month ago

If he's open to therapy, you should both go and see if this can be worked out. If not, listen to what he said and let him go. Relationships, including marriages, take 2 people to build and keep If he doesn't want to be there and isn't willing to work this out, there's nothing you can do about the relationship. Hopefully, he'll be a presence in the kid's life and emotionally and financially support the child.
1 month ago

How long should I wait after a relationship ends (badly) before seriously dating?? It's not about time, but when you're emotionally ready. Have you let go of anger/resentment/hurt from the last relationship? Have you taken time to evaluate where you went wrong as well? Have you forgiven him and yourself?
1 month ago

Let him deal with his emotions. You know he's emotionally messy and caught up in someone else. Why would you even want to set yourself up here?
1 month ago

It's not your life. I don't expect you to condone her behavior, but she's an adult and she's entitled to make bad decisions, including carrying on with another woman's alleged man. If she asks what you think, you can tell her point-blank. Otherwise, stay out of it. It's hard. You want the best for your friends, but in order for anything to change for them, they have to want what's best for themselves too.
1 month ago

um... yeah.
1 month ago

Read "Don't Waste Your Pretty". The first two chapters deal with how/where to meet people/flirt. The next two are how to commit.
1 month ago

You want a relationship? At least until you get to know him/her and there's an emotional connection in place. Preferably, until you're in a relationship.
1 month ago

Break up with him. He drinks too much. He doesn't pat attention you you. He does "dirty lil shit" He texts other women. If you're gonna put up with all this is, you might as well deal with a guy your age. I'm confused as to why are you still with him? Loving him is not enough. What about loving you?
1 month ago

There's no need to be his friend, especially as you have feelings He lost interest and/or met someone else. It happens. Sucks when it does. OR, he's one of the guys who likes the beginning of things. The fun-times, but doesn't want to deal with the responsibility of committing to someone.
1 month ago

You are not a Chevy. You do not need to be test-driven for a man to make a decision about committing to essentially RENTING you. When people test-drive cars, it's to BUY them.
1 month ago

I need more info. Does he consistently get drunk? And if so, has addressed his drinking problem. (And yes, if you get drunk and drive, and especially crash, you have a drinking problem). Why did you need to call the police on him? If he threatened to or abused you in anyway, it's a wrap. You don't give someone a second chance to beat on you.
1 month ago

i'm sorry... WHAT? You wrote that like he is supposed to ask you for a threesome or a side chick. Um, is it possible he's just good with you. Like you're not telling me anything that you're suspicious of. You've described a socially adjusted adult who isn't living life like a rap video. What's the problem?
1 month ago

Why are you in this relationship? This man is doing everything possible to show that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. He acts like a single man, and when you address real issues, he ignores you. I know you have a child and want to keep your family together, but at what cost to yourself? It's not being selfless to allow yourself to be treated bad.
1 month ago

If anything, distant friend. But really, you should bail completely. He doesn't trust women. You are a woman. Recognize this for the blatant red flag that it is. He has absolutely NOTHING to offer you.
1 month ago

Yes. You want a higher commitment than GF/ mother of child, hence why you mentioned not being engaged. He's not really claiming you, and that's a bad sign if you want to progress. I'm going to guess his choice of words isn't the only place where his reluctance to claim you shows up? Actually, I know it is, actually. You've been together for 6 years, have a 3 year old and he still hasn't stepped up to ask you to marry him. This "limbo" that you're in goes on as long as you allow it.
1 month ago

Stop. Like literally stop speaking to and texting him. This is all building up to you two having an affair, and I don't care what the history was, and how much your families love each other, there is no way to justify it. It also doesn't matter why he married her. He did, period. He is not an available man. And the only position you can play here is mistress. You're not a friend; you're an ex who hasn't gotten over him. This is wildly inappropriate no matter how you spin it. And you are trying to spin it.
1 month ago

You have to decide what is right for you. If you feel like you're doing something wrong, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. My suggestion is to stop having sex since it doesn't feel right. And in the meantime, you need to work thru how YOU ultimately are going to live your life and the opinions that are important you, or not. If your faith is important? Great live by the tenants of it as best you can. But I won't condone you living your life for your Mom ad basing your decisions off what she thinks is right or wrong. You're an adult. If you want to do or not do something, do it because YOU are making the choice for yourself.
1 month ago

I think you're way too young to be thinking about forever, especially when you're not really committed to the idea. It's one thing when you're full-on "yes." But you want to move and be single. So you should explore that.
1 month ago

I can't make these decisions for you. What is best for you? Do that? I'm sure he's wonderful. He's not the only wonderful or faithful man in the world. Being scared you ca't do better is no reason to stay with someone. That's fear, not interest or love. His background isn't of that great concern to me since it isn't to you, and you said he treats you well. Good people make mistakes and make bad decisions sometimes. Don't let fear stop you from going on a journey. What are you afraid of? How likely is it to actually happen? What could you do that would make you less afraid?
1 month ago

Pick up a copy of "Don't Waste Your Pretty". Cutie runs are explained in depth. In short, it's a simple way to meet men that YOU are interested in, not just selecting from the ones that are interested in you. Oh, and you will meet more men just paying attention to who is out and about in your daily life than you ever will trying to go to a specific place. Pick up the book. It explains everything.
1 month ago

That's likely due to the hormone shift in your body. Have you spoken with your doctor? You should.
1 month ago

He's abusive and you're in an abusive relationship. You should leave him immediately. You do know that abusers aren't always awful all the time like in movies? They're often really nice and loving, until they flip out on you. It's nice that you love him, you need to love yourself too. That means not staying with a man who treats you horribly. His behavior is NOT normal.
1 month ago

When you're seriously discussing a committed relationship. A month is WAY too soon. You barely know him, and the kid doesn't need strangers waltzing in and out of his/her life. When you know him better-- minimum 4 months-- and he wants to be a consistent part of your life, then introduce him to the child. Also, there is a chapter on dating with children in my latest book, "Don't Waste Your Pretty." It is available on Amazon.com, BN.com, and Kindle.
1 month ago

Something has to give here. He's not making any room for you in the relationship and you're not being treated like an equal. It's impossible to build anything of substance when you can't trust and aren't being respected. Trust can be rebuilt (and I only suggest married people even try) But it is a long, uphill battle that requires communication, transparency, and respect. If hubs isn't willing to do that, there's not much that can be done to improve the relationship. Have you considered going to couples therapy?
1 month ago

Move on. It's nice that you really like him, but this isn't going anywhere. I get that you're lonely, but that's not an excuse to put yourself in a situation that doesn't benefit you. Seek company elsewhere.
1 month ago

It'll be two years. That's a good time when you're with the man of your dreams and everyone- you, the kids, the fam-- is in love with him. Good luck!
1 month ago

yes.
1 month ago

This is a wrap. He's done everything but ask for a divorce to indicate that he doesn't want to be married to you. I'm sorry.
1 month ago

His actions and his words don't match. He's criticizing you to make you insecure and deflect from proposing. If you want to be married, this isn't the option.
1 month ago

I'm unclear why you're trying to be friends with him. That's not noble, it's torture. Delete him and start moving on. You're never going to get over him looking at pics of him and his new boo. You are not obligated to be friends with someone, or follow them on social media, after you break up with them. Oh, and stop giving him the power to "crush" you. He choose someone else. That's his choice. He doesn't get to decide your worth, stop allowing this situation to.
1 month ago

You set yourself up for this with the lying. He's mad and though it's not right for him to be passive aggressive, it is understandable given the history. You also can't be mad at his lack of trust when you've been lying to him for months. He should not trust you given all the lies. Honestly? Trust is incredibly hard to rebuild. You may be better taking the "L" and moving on. If you want to work it out, you're going to have to implement a game plan to rebuild the trust and he's going to have to stop with the passive aggressive behavior.
1 month ago

People like and want sex. There's nothing wrong with that. But if that's not what you're down for, that's also fine. You need to find people who respect your boundaries. Be honest about what you're looking for and if the guy isn't on the same page, send him packing.
1 month ago

Cheating? None. He does it once and you stay, you're actions are telling him that it's okay to do it again. Re: lying: if you can't trust him, why are you with him. Trust is a fundamental necessity in a relationship, if you don't have it, what's the point?
1 month ago

The bottomline is that he doesn't want to commit. Let it go. Whatever his reasons are, they might not matter to you, but they do to him. Respect that, accept his position and move on.
1 month ago

You're wrong for dating a guy who was with someone else, but not wrong for cutting things off when he didn't want to commit. This isn't the guy you really want anyway. If he committed to you, he'd just be stepping out with the next woman when things got rocky. And there's not much you could say because he's already shown you this is how he moves because he did it with you. Let this go.
1 month ago

He didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't be cool with it. That he did it anyway is a problem. You need to have a long discussion with him about boundaries. He's going to have to spend time with his children, that's a given. But since he's in a relationship, he can't do what he's always done.
1 month ago

I respect that he's told you upfront where his head is. If you're the type that can date and keep your feeling in check, keep dating him, and others. If you know you're the type that gets caught up, then thank him for his honesty, and leave him be.
1 month ago

You will see it again. If things don't work out with him, do know for certain, that he is not the only person who will like you, show interest in you and give you that amazing feeling. It won't happen with everyone, but it will happen. That said, it's been eight months now. You need to tell him what you want: a relationship. If he's willing to commit? Great. If not? Then it's time to move on. You're wasting your pretty to be all-in with someone who doesn't want the same with you. Eight months is more than enough time to make a decision about whether he wants you in his life.
1 month ago

I'm not a fan of either. Men who are interested will figure it out, and put in the effort to get you. If he's not doing that, he's not the man for you to date. TRUST, he will do it for a woman he really wants.
1 month ago

A few things: you don't become exclusive if you're not in a relationship. There's no need to take yourself off the dating market if you're not in a committed relationship. At two months in, you both barely know each other, certainly not enough to get into a relationship. Last, you don't NEED to meet his friends. You're not his girlfriend, and even if you were, you're dating him, not THEM. Finally, you don't the initiating to meet up is a bad sign, and does seem like he's losing interest or you're more interested than he is.
1 month ago

As the great Nate Berkus once wrote: he's just not that into you. You're not asking for anything substantial here. In fact, it's quite basic. And he can't meet the basics. Stop trying to force yourself into his life, accept that he's not interested and move on. You've got a lot of pretty, you're wasting it here.
1 month ago

Call this a wrap. He's cheating on you-- twice that you know of-- you're creeping with other men. Ya'll are both clearly miserable together, and can't trust each other. How many more chances are you going to give him to cheat? How many more times are you going look elsewhere for affection? Ya'll are playing tit-for-tat and it will get uglier the longer you do the back and forth. Also: it's not fair and needs to change, but how it currently stands is that men are way less forgiving of infidelity than women are, and across the board, women are punished harder for it in relationships, and socially.
1 month ago

It's time to call this a wrap. He's had two years to get himself together and he hasn't. He's also dragging you down with him with his controlling and manipulative ways. You can do so much better without the dead weight. Perhaps you can be great co-parents to your child. Also, promise me this is the last time you support a grown man, unless he's a husband who has fallen on hard times. Just like you figure it out, he can to, especially when he has responsibilities for a household and a child. Last thing: stop with the threats. Either do it or don't. When you say you're going to do something, and you don't follow thru, it diminishes your credibility and you're not taken seriously.
1 month ago

It got me thru some hard times too. Glad it worked out for you.
1 month ago

You are being used. You also don't need this ongoing headache. Do what needs to be done now, not because Husband's done anything to deserve it, but so you can be done with being married to him and you can move on with that part of your life.
1 month ago

I'm not a fan of people dating at work. If you read Ask.FM/abelleinbk, you'll see one of my favorite quotes is "you don't get your meat where you get your bread." Cut this situation off before it gets worse. This is your job. You can't afford to deal with these shenanigans like getting loud and having arguments at your place of employment. Tell him that you think it's best if you both leave things as is and wish him the best.
1 month ago

If you're both willing to work on communication, this can probably be worked out. Have a chat with him about the way it would work best for him for you to address issues that come up in the relationship. Try doing things his way and see if you get a better response. The upside here, is that his reaction isn't so abnormal. He was offended and instead of arguing, he checked out for a bit. You're not saying it's days or he avoids you like many readers have written in about. It just takes him a little longer than you would like for his funk to lift. Keep in mind that this reaction is MUCH better than him snapping back with a rude response. If he's taking the time to calm down, that's not a bad thing. Couples argue. They get annoyed with one another. That's normal. Also, it happens, but try not to be rude to him. You don't like it when others do it to you, neither does he. Good luck!
1 month ago

No partner is perfect. Only you can determine if his shortcomings are the things that you want to deal with or not. I'm a fan of picking your battles. Have a conversation with him about the THREE things that really bother you, and ASK if he's willing to work on them. Don't be surprised if he has a short list for you too. One thing: Hygiene is a BIGGY that needs to be addressed ASAP. We're grown folks. People should know how to take care of themselves properly. If he can't step up on that, he needs to go.
1 month ago

Read "Don't Waste Your Pretty." It's available on Amazon.com, Kindle, and BN.com The first two chapters cover where to meet people and how, and how to evaluate a good partner.
1 month ago

RED FLAG. Nope. You're not overreacting. If you're insecure about how he feels about you, you have a right to be. And anyone in your position would feel the same. The BFF is more than a friend. I have male BFFs. They don't get "MCM" shout outs. He's extremely disrespectful and unwilling to curb his behavior with his female friends. It's time to say goodbye and free yourself up to find someone who will respect you and your relationship.
1 month ago

He told you what he wanted and you're not hearing him: he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Let him go. If he gets his business together, and he wants to rekindle, he will come find you and say so. But in the meantime, you're wasting your pretty to stick by a man who's told you he doesn't want to be with you right now.
1 month ago

No. That would have been "wasting your pretty". He told you he wasn't ready. LISTEN and BELIEVE him. The bottomline is he didn't want to commit to you. And you could spend years waiting on someone to get it together. You liked him, and you miss him. That's normal. But you wanted a commitment and he did not. If he changes his mind and wants to be with you, he will come find you wherever you are. If you're still interested, hear him out.
1 month ago

He ain't it. Your description of him sounds very controlling, which is a warning sign of a potentially abusive mate. It's great that you've forgiven him and let go of any animosity, but forgiving him doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him again. You want to be in a relationship and that's a totally normal feeling. But you can do bad by yourself. Be more afraid of having the wrong partner than of being single. Keep looking, hon.
1 month ago

She has to want to get out. And if she has not expressed that, you need to wait until/if she does
2 months ago

You're saying something during the early conversations that is a turn-off. Maybe it's oversharing, maybe it's being negative or being too needy. Those are three major upfront turn-offs. I can't tell you exactly without speaking with you. If you'd like help: coachedbybelle at gmail dot com.
2 months ago

I have a blog, a book, a TV show, I write (for multiple publications), I coach clients, do public speaking, host events, and I'm a brand ambassador for multiple companies. And it's all under #brandbelle I don't have one source of income. :-)
8 months ago

(cont'd) he said he had legitimate reason why and he cant say it cus it is disclose. do you think he may come back to me. and can u tell me why he really cut me off He said, he wanted more from you. You'd have to ask him what that is. I can't guess at that. "Starting to plan something" isn't actually doing anything. Perhaps he was tired of waiting. It sounds like you just weren't what he was looking for, and perhaps, he found someone who was. But bottomline this though: he's looking, but taking no action, and he balked and won't tell you. There's nothing for you to do here, but MOVE ON. And kudos to him for not talking to your friend about it. It's not her place to ask. Question: have you asked him?
1 year ago

You had ONE Skype conversation with him, then blasted him because someone else posted a picture of him? And you don't even know when it was taken? He didn't do it, someone else did. And even if it was his girl, YOU HAD ONE CONVERSATION WITH HIM. The correct response here was to ASK him what's up, and if you didn't get a logical response, to bail. You completely overreacted here. Additionally, that he went back and told the girl and that got back to you tells me he is messy. He hasn't contacted you because he doesn't want to talk to you. Actions speak louder that words. I can't much blame him here. Cut your losses, and MOVE ON. You have nothing but a Skype chat invested here.
1 year ago

Why are you in this relationship? From what you've said here, you're not a priority in his life, he allows his friends to disrespect you, he dismisses your opinion, he doesn't support you, he makes reckless and unfounded accusations about you and on top of all that -- which many women would have left over just one of those descriptions— you have to reach in your purse to pay his way when you go out. You are being used, and you are being mistreated, and you DON"T have to put up with this. Why are you?
1 year ago

He's in the Army. There's no telling what horrors he's dealing with while he's away. And that may have something to do his behavior. And/or he just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore and this is his way of "saying" so. Maybe he met someone while he was gone. That said, you're not obligated to put up with being mistreated. And that's what it is when you're boyfriend ignores you and makes everyone else a priority over you. Oh, and is trashing your house. I'm glad you ended the relationship. But I'm confused as to why you expected him to stay in touch or leave your pictures up. His actions while home made it clear he wasn't interested in a relationship or you anymore. Why would you expect him to keep in touch or keep your pictures up? When it's over, it's over.
1 year ago

For that man? Yes. Even if he "promoted" her to the number one spot, he'll never really trust her or take her seriously. Even if she becomes the main, she just opened up a spot for her previous position. She'll never be an "only." The side chick always gets bashed because of sexism, loosely that means, whenever possible blame the woman, ignore the man's role.
1 year ago

Focus on your best traits and what you have to offer. Make a list and post it where you can see it, if that will help remind you. The biggest difference between people who are confident and those who aren't is confident people focus on their best traits instead of their worst. You can be a confident woman too. There's nothing stopping you, but you. The hurt is part of the dating world. Every guy is not going to be a match, and some will lead you along and drop you. And that does hurt sometimes. You can tip the odds in your favor better by taking your time to get to know people before you invest in them. A conversation, a date is an interview period, a way to get to know someone. It's not a promise of anything, and your only goal should be to learn them better and have a good time. If something eventually comes of that? Great. If not, move on.
1 year ago

Congratulations to you on growing. That's what you're supposed to do. In fact, if you're not growing, you're dying. And though it may be difficult to have friends that don't support your progress, I'm glad you are staying true to the improved you. That takes courage. Kudos. People are around for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Some of the friends you describe aren't "lifers". Be thankful for the good times shared with the people you've described. But it's time to find new friends who will uplift and embrace your positive changes instead of trying to pull you down. You don't deal with people who are trying to stunt your positive growth. They are angry because they have the same 24 hours in a day and they haven't put them to use as you have. They didn't do the work, don't have the reward and they are angry. It's not really at you. It's at themselves.
1 year ago

The only men who will be scared off are the ones that are not up for the responsibility of a relationship. If stating what you want scares him off, then it's best that he's gone. That said, be mindful of when you say what you're looking for. You actually need to get to know the person and evaluate them to know if they're even worth wanting "more" from. Saying "I'm looking for a relationship" to someone you barely know will be a turn off because you sound needy/desperate, not necessarily because you "just" want a relationship
1 year ago

You do deserve better than the types that you have listed. And you deserve better than the ex who cheated, who is NOT a friend. He cheated on you. He's not your friend. Why he's become your confidant AFTER he betrayed you is confusing. No, you should not settle for the ex or for any of the men you listed. You need a different social circle if the events and activities you attend don't offer any options. To get something you've never had, you need to do something you've never done. Also, head online where you options to meet men that you may not encounter in your current day-to-day life.
1 year ago

He's getting ready to go back to her. In general, I'm not a fan of ultimatums. But he's being profoundly disrespectful to you in the way that he's carrying on with his ex. Tell him it's either you or her. He can't have both. Unfortunately, based on what you're describing, it's likely going to be her. He will continue with this as long as you allow it. The ex doesn't care.
1 year ago

It happens. But the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a euphemism for "I don't want to do this anymore". Not surprised to hear you broke up after that. It sounds like you want to be with him at any cost and will ignore a red flag. And it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. And you BOTH will continue in this confusion until one of you breaks the cycle by saying "enough!" Since you're asking, let that be you. It's an issue for BOTH of you as it affects the relationship.
1 year ago

You're focusing on the wrong thing. It doesn't matter if it's love or lust if it's dysfunctional, and that is what this situation is. Case in point: * I don't feel all the love from him that I felt over the phone *over and over he lets me down and hurts me *I moved in what was suppose to be our house and he's a basically a no show Why did you agree to move in with a man who it sounds like you are not even in a relationship with and if you are, who has been consistently wishy-washy? It sounds like you a want a husband so bad that any person-- no matter how they treat you-- will do. You've ignored SEVERAL red flags. You can have a husband. But this guy isn't the one. Cut your losses and don't waste anymore of your pretty.
1 year ago

He's in a relationship. This is going nowhere. Tell him he has to chose. Give him a deadline, and don't speak to him until he gives an answer. Unfortunately, it's going to be her. There's a reason he hasn't broken up with her. Good, bad or indifferent, he wants to be there.
1 year ago

You were in an abusive relationship. You don't just "get over" all that happened when you break up or meet someone else. You need to speak to a therapist. And yes, you need to speak to your new man about it. If you're having flashbacks, you're also likely exhibiting other post-traumatic signs. BF has likely noticed something is up. This isn't a secret you should keep from him.
1 year ago

Nothing. He's not your man. You have no say so whatsoever in where he goes, how he moves, or who he visits. This is the dating phase. If you're not comfortable with how he lives, then walk. You are not obligated to deal with this.
1 year ago

You do deserve better than him. When ANYBODY tells you that you deserve better, believe them. It probably hurts doubly bad because you were engaged in a relationship that you KNOW is wrong, and you did a lot of mental contortions to make it okay in your head. And in the end, HE called it off. You put yourself in a less-than spot for him and then he turned around and didn't want you still. In order to move through this, you're going to have to come to some tough realizations about how you think of yourself, and the boundaries you're willing to erase just to have a man. There's a lot of self-love lacking when a woman is willing to play second-fiddle to another woman and deal with a man who lies and deceives. If you need help building your self-esttem and overcoming this situation: coachedbybelle at gmail dotcom
1 year ago

You don't "work it out" with a man who is married and has lied to you for over a year. He has no intentions of leaving his wife, hence why you got cut when the wife returned. She takes priority over you. You are in love with the man he led you to believe he is. That person does not exist. The person you are actually dealing with is a liar, cheater and manipulator. If will do this to his wife, what better do you think he will do to you? Cut your losses. You can do better than a married man.
1 year ago

Tell him his approach is a turn off and what works for you. If he can't get on board with something so basic, then ask him not to call you. You're not obligated to entertain every man who calls you.
1 year ago

You can't. He's told you that "he doesn't want to try". You can't build a relationship by yourself. You're ignoring what he's said and trying to force your will upon him. That doesn't work. Also, the "you didn't love me in the beginning" is an excuse. He stuck around six years since that point and made children with you. This sounds more like he just doesn't want the responsibility of being a full-time family man anymore. Working on yourself is something you should do for you. But he's intentionally given you a reason that can't be fixed. More or less, he's told you that nothing you do will make it better. I know it hurts, and it's not what you want, but listen to him. It will save you MORE heartache.
1 year ago

Yes, you should just focus on you. You are making another horrible choice. Please stop having sex when you not sure if you have an STD, and GET TESTED for STIS and HIV before you have sex again with anyone. Additionally, you are describing a man who is emotionally and physically abusive AND who offers you no accountability. He exhibits every red flag in the book. Walk, don't run to the nearest exit. I know you want to be in a relationship, but this is not the man for you. You will continue to have a bad track record with men until you learn your worth as a woman and raise your standards. If you need help: coachedbybelle at gmail dot com It's nice when you love others. You have to love you too.
1 year ago

Hello World
1 year ago

no, the answer is the truth. and it's nothing wrong with saying so. not sure why he's taken such offense. it does sound like he was looking for something to be upset about. you two are in a relationship, so the answer doesn't even apply to him. also, sounds like he's controlling and manipulative. I say that because silent treatment and questioning paternity are EXTREME reactions because he doesn't like an offhand comment. You're going to have a tough time dealing with him as a father to your child. You two need to have a sit down to discuss the ways you handle anger and conflict.
1 year ago

If you two were not in a relationship, he's free to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants. Talking about getting back together and working things out is not actually being in a relationship. It actually is being single. The problem here is that he lied; he didn't cheat on you. It takes more than love to build a relationship. Being in college and at two separate schools, the expectation of monogamy is far-fetched. I'd suggest you move on and if maybe reconsider if you're ever in the same state and within driving distance from each other.
1 year ago

Arrange a family dinner at the house (comfortable territory for kids) and give them a heads up that Mommy's boyfriend will be joining them. Answer as many questions as possible that the children have about him before he gets there. It's been two years. You're well beyond the time he should have met your family and into the safe zone. Good luck!
1 year ago

Dear Belle, I recently broke up with this guy we were off and on for about 2 years we got back together in may and we were doing amazing plans of marriage kids everything but I recently broke up with him because I felt something wasn't right he said he didnt want me working or anything he wanted me to stay home spoil myself and enjoy life. I broke up with him because I was scared I was going to lose my independence if I followed along with those plans I love him I do and when we talk he says he loves and misses me what should I do I do know I want to be with him...... HELP !! Ok. What's different? You aren't onboard with his plan to be a stay-at-home wife. Has that changed now that he's back? Is he now more open to what your plans for your future are and willing to support them? Did you ever figure out what that something isn't right thing is? Has it been addressed and solved? If nothing's changed, this isn't going anywhere healthy. Feelings are cute, but there are other practical things that relationships need, like supporting each other's dreams.
1 year ago

You're past is interfering with your present. I get the bond that you have with your ex, but that relationship is putting your current relationship in jeopardy, especially when because of your prior emotional bond, your current lady may not feel like there is a space for her in your life. She may not stick around to play second. You're going to have to choose which lady matters more and act accordingly. Your words say that your bond with your ex isn't a threat. Your actions need to match that.
1 year ago

You've got to give him a "Come to Jesus" talk. He's had some family issues, ok. It's not okay to just ignore you. Tell him what you want from him specifically and that you're not okay with being ignored. Add you deserve better. That's a Hail Mary. What this sounds like is he is on his way out and he doesn't know how to say so. He'll just distance himself until you break up with him. Guys know the basics they are supposed to do in relationships-- like spend time with their GFs. He's choosing not to do it.
1 year ago

You're playing in dirt and you're about to get dirty. The parents hanging out is on the parents. Let your families be close, as awkward as that has to be for his new wife. That doesn't mean you and he need to remain close. It doesn't matter why he married her or what he was about to do with you before he found out she was pregnant. The fact is he CHOSE to end his plans with you and is now married to her. He wanted to marry her, or else he wouldn't have. It's not 1950. He wasn't being forced by society to "do the right thing." These "in contact" scenarios never start as inappropriate, but you know and I know he has no business contacting you. You're his ex who still obviously has a thing for him, and you don't really respect the circumstances of his relationship. You think it should have been you. It's all over your letter. It's nothing inappropriate-- YET! Get out before you get further in and end up like Mary Jane.
1 year ago

This doesn't get better, unfortunately. It stays this way or it gets worse. You've seen the ebb and flow, but no change, over the last seven years. He is who he is and you have to decide if you're willing to deal with his shortcomings and be "the responsible" one. Are you? Unfortunately, people don't come in perfect packages. Is the love and respect enough to stay? That's something only you can decide.
1 year ago

Don't believe the hype. The vast majority of Black men date and marry Black women. And yes, Black men like confident women. Don't let the Internet trolls and misogynists and horrible articles about Black women being unwanted taint your view of Black men or Black relationships. Even with the most negative reigning statistics about Black marriage, the numbers always revealed there were more married Black women than not. Don't believe the hype. If you're worried about perpetual singlehood, make time for dating & relationships and learning how to interact with men in an effective way to give yourself the best shot at having a mate.
1 year ago

You should meet them so you can gauge for yourself what the nature of the relationships are. They were around before you and have been around for five years. This aren't just passing friendships. After all this time, it's safe to say he genuinely cherishes these friendships, including the ex. Just because people once slept together does not mean that they can not have a genuine friendship. And again, you've got five years of nothing suspicious going on. It's been five years, I'm surprised to hear this is just now coming up now. But I suppose, better late than never. If you still have issues about something that happened five years ago re: the wedge, bring it up so it can be resolved once and for all. And then drop it. Part of making a healthy relationship is moving on and not dwelling in the past.
1 year ago

Your family knows you better than I do, so you may want to listen to that assessment and work on it. There may be something else going on, but I would need to talk to you to figure that out. If you'd like help: CoachedbyBelle at gmail dotcom
1 year ago

No, honey. He's having unprotected sex with another woman and could bring anything back to you. You were carrying his baby and he was cheating. C'mon. I know you're in love with him. But you have to love you too, boo. It hurts. It will hurt worse the longer you stay in a clearly dysfunctional relationship. There are just certain lines that don't get crossed. Sexing the other woman with no condom and while you are pregnant is one of them.
1 year ago

This will go on for as long as you allow it too. You're doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship and he's cheated more than once. What more does he need to do to show you how uncommitted he is to this relationship? You love him. That's really sweet. But you have to love you too. What does loving him really count for when he's talking you for granted and cheating all over town. You never had a Cinderella picture-- which to be clear, only exists in fairytales-- if your man was cheating all over the place and not putting any effort at home. Your "prince" hasn't been so charming.
1 year ago

He's not the perfect guy for you. The "perfect guy" doesn't "constantly disappear" by ducking in and out of your life and leaving you high and dry. It's a red-flag that he doesn't think highly of you and that he is emotionally unavailable. "having feelings" means little when he doesn't treat you well, ie, keeps going AWOL on you. school and "busy" are excuses. men in school and busy lives are fully capable of staying in touch. this cycle of him going in and out of your life will persist as long as you allow it to. call it a wrap and find someone who can actually be reliable.
1 year ago

It's always nice when folks show compassion when you cry. But I need more evidence of emotional unavailability to suggest you leave or even to categorize him as emotionally unavailable. MOST men don't know what to do with woman tears, and many consider it manipulation when you do it during or after an argument. Have you told him what you want him to do when you cry? If no, tell him.
1 year ago

"I am not ready to be in a relationship". What did I do wrong. He doesn't want to commit, which he should have said before he had sex with you. Another option is that he wasn't satisfied with the sex or felt guilty after because of the friendship. Either way, LISTEN. I know you have feelings. He just told you that he does not. Hopefully, in time, you both can move past this and remain friends.
1 year ago

No, you are not wrong. She should not remain friends with the woman she cheated on you with. It is disrespectful to your relationship. You should have put your foot down about heir friendship when you agreed to stay with her after she cheated on you. You don't need to give the girl a chance. You don't go be-friending the person your mate cheated on you with and she shouldn't be friends with her either. That she is, is wildly ridiculous. Your girlfriends suggesting that you all be friends is bizarre, and leads me to believe that there is something more to this so-called "friendship", even now. That you have to disassociate from the person you cheat with when you stay in the relationship, is basic. I'm not usually one for ultimatums, but this situation has elevated beyond normal. Tell her to call the friendship off or you're out.
1 year ago

No. Conversing with random folks is fine. Twitter and Facebook, the public side of it, are made for that. It's not the additions that are the issue, its the inappropriate conversations.
1 year ago

Uh... you are not an ATM. if you want to give money to your husband, that's cool. But a date or boyfriend? Absolutely not. A man needs to make his own money and if he doesn't have it, he can call his mama or his boys. He's not to ask him woman for money (and for clarity, I also don't advocate for non-wives asking for money. It's not a date or BF responsibility. ) Finance conversations are for folks who are engaged and/or are sharing expenses. Until then, it's none of anyone else's business other than the IRS.
1 year ago

Just finished reading your fave--Clutch: Solution to Marriage ‘Crisis’: SBW Should Just Marry Each Other and since I'm not interested in that option--I was wondering where are the best places to meet professional black men? Um. You did realize that was sarcasm, correct? Professional organizations, volunteer work, and fraternity events are all great options. So is any restaurant of gym near an office building during lunch or right after work. Black tech conferences are also a GREAT and under recognized locale. Last thing: women often make a bad habit of trying to find "professional" men in packs. You actually meet more men in passing as you go through life than you ever will at any event. The guy you see in line at the bank, or shopping in the drug store, or a guy at a cook out can all be "professional" black men.
1 year ago

There are red flags all through your letter. You KNOW something is not right, you just don't know what and you don't want to believe it or deal with the fall out. You call your intuition "a gift from God" so you KNOW that "something is not right" You also know when you go against it you "find [your]self in trouble." That's what's going to happen if you continue on knowing that something about your man isn't right. You've brought it up to him and you don't believe what he's saying. Trust yourself enough to believe in yourself and go your separate ways. Last, it's nice that you're Italian and he's Black. But race has nothing to do with this scenario.
1 year ago

Unfortunately, you don't always get an answer to "why"? Focus on the bottomline here: he's gone. Accept it and deal with the hurt, set a time to mourn and move on. Don't let it linger over you or it will sabotage your chances at love moving forwad It's unfortunate you were hurt the first time that you let your guard down. It's a risk we all take when we're looking for love. The great thing about broken hearts is that they mend, when you don't hold on to resentment.
1 year ago

Being afraid isn't going to get you any answers or sex or save your relationship. You want to have sex, you're going to have to address the issue. Do so under the guise of concern. "I know this is an awkward conversation, but we need to discuss it. I am worried... " And tell him what's on your mind, mainly that he hasn't been able to perform sexually and you want to know what, if anything, he's willing to do to address this-- like visit his doctor. Stick to the facts. Don't use judgment words.
1 year ago

I assume you're talking about herpes? People do it all the time. It's not guaranteed that you'll get it. But you do have to be fastidious about using condoms and have great communication with your partner about what's going on health-wise.
1 year ago

The is no definitive amount of time. It's when its right for BOTH parties in the relationship. If you've been in a relationship for years and one of you is not willing to take it to the next level, you need to consider whether you want the partner more than the marriage, which you may not get.
1 year ago