Recap: Match Made in Heaven Ep. 2: Meet the (Sorta) Virgins

“Match Made in Heaven”‘s Shawn & Mecca have a desert date.

This episode “held no cut cards”, as we like to say in the DMV. We have “conflict” straight out the gate. Our bachelor, Shawn, is 32, and Phoenix, 33, and Jen, 29, think Shawn should be with an “older” woman, someone closer to his age, instead of one of the house’s gaggle of early twenty-somethings.  Um, they’re right, but Mercedes, 22, doesn’t agree and is offended.

Phoenix points out, “This is supposed to be about finding the love of your life and they’re here taking body shots.” Again, Phoenix ain’t lie. The issue here is that Phoenix and Jen are over 30 and pushing 30. They want a husband yesterday. Most of the younger girls know they have time to kill and they’re not as focused. If they are single at 29, and 33, and want husbands/families, they will probably be more like Phoenix and Jen.

Anyway, Mercedes rants to the other women about her elders and Dolly points out, “if you’re sitting up here in this competition and you worried about what somebody has to say to you, you need to go home.” Welp.

Somehow this angers Victoria, who reminds me of an German Coco (Ice T’s wife), and she and Dolly almost brawl. Victoria is also the most ratchet white chick ever to make TV. I don’t buy this fight. It’s made-for-tv madness.

Mecca, 22, pipes in to give the stereotypical “I’m not here for any of you” line that must be given at least once per reality TV competition show. She may be fresh off the breast, but she is focused. Take that, Phoenix and Jen.

Dolly is obsessed with Mecca, a New York socialite, for having the sides of her hair shaved. She says her edges look like pubic hair. As a habit, I don’t snark on people’s appearance. (I don’t like it when it’s done to me.) But Dolly, have you seen your weave? You don’t have room to make fun of others.

Pastor J arrives and informs the ladies that they will have a “group” date, i.e., one man and 20 women, volunteering for Habitat for Humanity to build homes. All the ladies wear tight clothes and put on full faces of make-up. I mean, this is a date. Victoria wears sandals to do construction. She’s told to stand on the sidewalk.

Mecca and Phoenix flirt as they work. They are experts at this. Take notes.

Shawn gets a text from Pastor J. Um.. I think he’s nervous because he’s reading like Floyd Mayweather. It’s time for his first one-on-one date. He picks Mecca. (Bow down, Dolly.)

The date looks like it’s in the Middle East, replete with sand dunes and camels. I am dying to know where this was shot. The show is filmed in LA. Is this in Nevada? Is this a set? I want to go there.

So, riding a camel has always been on my bucket list. But maybe I’m taking it off. It looks terribly uncomfortable for two people to ride. Maybe that’s a solo activity, despite the number of humps. Hmmm.

Mecca is adorable in this red jumpsuit. And you are watching a Master Flirt here. Chick is finishing Shawn’s sentences, leaning into the nook, and talking future plans of mutual moguldum… on date one. She has Shawn eating out of her hand. He says as much, “that girl seems like she would consume a man’s mind.”

Just to be extra ass-y, she takes an “Usie” of herself and Shawn on the camel. “So fear me”, she snarks to the ladies back at the house. Um. I love this chick.

After the camel ride, Mecca and Shawn get cuddly in the sand. They toast to their first date. “Team Mecca. Team Shawn, one day being Team Us.” She stole that last part from EJ Johnson, but I ain’t mad at her. Neither is Shawn. They make out underneath the stars, and in the tent. Shawn says he’ll dream about her… “and maybe more than that.” Was that a masturbation joke?

Back at the house, Ness, 24, is looking forward to a date with Shawn because she’s never been in a relationship with a man. Ever. She’s more interested in her curvy housemate, Alexandria, than Shawn. I know why producers picked for her the show, but I desperately want know why she auditioned.

Later, the girls are sitting around hating trying to figure out why Shawn picked Mecca for the first date. (Um. Did you see her ass in that had-to-be-American Apparel one-piece at the construction site? Duh!) Dolly is still talking about Mecca’s sides. I’m unclear.  Shawn doesn’t have a problem, why does she?

Elsewhere in the house, two of the blondes, Jamie and Victoria, have become inseparable and dubbed themselves “The Blonde-tourage.” They seem to have bonded mostly over getting real f—ed up together. Dani is also white and blond, but notes she ain’t a part of whatever they’re on.

In the pool, drunk Victoria tries to start a fight with Jade, a model from New Jersey, who looks sweet an innocent. But Jade was The Wrong One and is probably from  Newark, cause she went from 0 to 100 real quick and shut Victoria all the way down. I ain’t even mad at her.

The “following morning”, Pastor J stops by the house to announce it’s time for another date with Shawn. He picks the two “virgins” — Mercedes and Nes. The logic is there’s no chance at sex anytime soon, so everyone can focus on each other.

Hold up. I need to know how we’re defining virgin. Does becoming celibate make you a virgin? If you’ve had sex with “plenty of women”, but you don’t “know” penis in the Biblical sense, are you a virgin? I’m confused. To Mercedes credit, she says “born-again”. Nes volunteers herself as one.

Some of the other women feel judged that “the virgins” are picked to date Shawn before them. “It’s like they threw the Scarlet letter on us, and let us walk around with it,” says Dani.

Mercedes and Nes both show up for a yacht date with Shawn wearing all white. (Really, producers? LOL.) Shawn is in all linen, the universal uniform of 21st century Black men on boats.

Nes is nervous to confess that she’s a (sort of) virgin, as is Mercedes. Shawn seems pleasantly surprised, and gives them high-fives. Whew! That could have gone either way. But this is still weird. The two virgins are on a date with one man, and they’re all cuddled up like it’s a threesome.

Eventually, Shawn asks for one-on-one time with each woman, and he starts with Mercedes. Mercedes gives him her best sell: “If I’mma ride or die for Jesus, you know that I’m going to be ride or die for the one I’m meant to be with.” We’ve seen what Shawn looks like when he’s really into a woman. This is what it looks like when he isn’t. He calls Mercedes “awesome” and says he “respects her immensely”. That’s code for Friend Zone.

Nes has had plenty of practice flirting with the ladies, and it translates to men, it seems. A flustered Shawn asks her, “Are your eyes real?” Our usually debonair bachelor is fumbling here. Then he hits her with, “I know I’m the guy that’s worthy of your soul.” That’s straight out of the (dated) Billy Dee/ Harold Melvin handbook. After his time with Nes, Shawn declares, “it was like a Ralph Lauren ad… very sexy.” He’s smitten.

Pastor J texts Shawn and tells him to ask one of the women on a private date. It’s Nes. Surprise, surprise. (That was sarcasm).

The private date is at the gargantuan mansion, in the hot tub, in front of the Roman statues, next to the Olympic size pool. This place is laid the f— out. But what’s more impressive is Shawn taking off his shirt. Yowza!!!!

“This is nothing I’m used to.” Nes says. “I’m used to a womanly body, that’s what turns me on.” Later she admits he is the first man she’s been physically attracted to ever. She was once emotionally attracted to a man in high school. Oh.

What’s certain is Shawn is attracted to her. She’s got a lil’ body on her and Shawn is tongue tied again. “You got swag, man. You do,” he slurs. Then, because she’s a flight attendant, he tells her is always wanted to join the Mile-High club. Really, dude? When they kiss, Shawn practically inhales her.  “She has rocketed up to the top of the charts for me,” he says.

Shawn devours Nes in the jacuzzi.

Back at the house, we learn Nes doesn’t feel the same way. Shawn was cool and all, but in her confessional, Nes is all about Alexandria. They go out to the jacuzzi to cuddle and Nes tells her about her date with Shawn. I’m unclear what part of the game this is.

Elimination is just around the corner, so Pastor J meets with Shawn to see who he’s feeling. Pastor J is wearing one of Steve Harvey’s suits, pre-Marjoire. The pastor seems like a nice guy, but the pimp connotations of the suits are distracting me. I digress.

At the elimination, Nes decides that she is becoming sexually attracted to Shawn. I thought that was covered in physically attracted, but maybe not. Like I find Amber Rose physically attractive, but I don’t want to do her. I just like looking at her. So maybe that’s the distinction.

Sorry, let me focus. It’s the second elimination and three women are going home. Pastor J gives immunity to “Dani”,  the blonde with all the tats who isn’t always drunk.

Shawn begins sending out his “yay” or “nay” texts. Mecca isn’t the first (or fifth) to receive a “yay” and starts to freak out. She had nothing to worry about, especially not after that “I’m not looking or a man, I’m looking for a champion” line. That was some epic ish. Some anorexic white chick makes fun of Mecca’s weight, suggesting she needs to do sit ups. Again, I ask, but Ma’am, but have you seen her ass tho’?

Brittany, a pretty girl, who has left no impression whatsoever is sent home. Mercedes is saying goodbye as well. She leaves the house wearing a freak’um, stripper heels and clutching a gigantic Bible. (She tweeted me later to say, “We were told to dress this way, not to say that I’m conservative; but I didn’t know Christians were tied to the turtle-neck and the long ankle-length skirts uniform. You wanted me to have on my church stockings too huh, with the little #run in em? I’m sorry I thought this was 2015.”)

Tanyka aka the chick who looks like Kelly Rowland, but not, and the Blonde-Courage gets called to the pool “to talk.” Everyone wants the drunk blondes to go. They get their wish.

Tanyka is going back to the house. Shawn says he just wanted to give her a head’s up that they haven’t spent anytime together. She deduces that he only called her to the pool to look at her ass, and by the way he stares as she walks off in her heels, I think she’s right.

Shawn is as baffled as to why producers brought on Jamie as the audience is. And I don’t know what antics of hers that were edited out, but our well-mannered bachelor releases the Philly on Jamie. “I do not want you,” he says. Damn, homie, you could have just texted her “We’re not a match”. He tries to explain to Victoria, “it’s not my fault that I don’t want [Jamie].” Now, I really want to know what scene(s) was cut.

Victoria says she doesn’t want to stay if Jamie goes. She gives Shawn a sneak-kiss goodbye, which he promptly wipes off with his handkerchief as the on-looking women cheer. Shawn admits he was fooled by Victoria until now.  “I was attracted to her and she’s crazy,” he says.

Word.

What did you think of Episode 2 of “Match Made in Heaven?”

This is a sponsored post.